coffee dates #61 & #62 with
neha alaparthy & nitya alaparthy

neha: Rowan and Temple alumni, quality assurance associate, fellow Halo Pub fan

nitya: NSU graduate, Rowan med student, fellow Lu Lu Lemon fan

me: hot cardamom latte | neha: house mocha | nitya: hot vanilla latte
location: manzil café, south brunswick

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It all started at the Venkateswara temple in Bridgewater, NJ. My mother, Samatha Kode, and Neha and Nitya’s mother, Madhavi Alaparthy (yup, the one and only coffee date #2) met for the first time at the temple many many years ago. My mom always says that she thought Madhavi Aunty was breathtaking; she was gorgeous but also had a heart of warmth, which I can still attest to years later. As a result of our parents maintaining and deepening this chance encounter over the years, us as their kids were able to form our own relationships with each other.

Neha, Nitya, and I have practically known each other whole lives. It was these two who ignited my die hard passion for Halo Pub ice cream. I loved visiting their home every Sunday for my weekly tutoring sessions with Suresh Uncle. After the session, we’d eat their mango ice cream bars, rot on their comfy sofas, and get ready for dance class. It was them that I saw every week after my tennis lessons at the Princeton Racquet Club. We’d bike around the neighborhood, go on lazy walks, or watch movies together. They were also my annual January 1st Bridgewater temple volunteering buddies. We’d sit at the counter and sell ladoos, vaddas, calendars, etc. to all the hundreds of attendees. At the end of the day, we’d revel in the cafeteria’s food, walk around, fool around. The Bridgewater temple has somehow always remained a constant in our lives.

Years later, here we are, still very much present in each other’s lives. We’ve truly grown. The Alaparthy’s will always be special and I’m thankful that our parents turned a little prayer moment into a life-long relationship.

Diving into the Alaparthy’s world …..

Epiphanies

• authenticity

With so much time on my hands recently, I’ve been having many existential crises. One of them is the question of whether or not I am leading an authentic life. Am I actually a living a life I want to live? Am I really being authentic or am I a pretentious ass?

I found that the best way to get out of my head is to ask these same questions to my coffee dates, so here it goes.

Nitya shared that she believes living authentically is an intentional, day-to-day practice.

“In this moment, am I happy?” – Nitya Alaparthy, 2026

In other words, are we making choices that align with what we want and what we value? Even if these choices are uncomfortable in the moment, if we made them authentically, then these choices will still lead to a content life (maybe in the long-term) because we had remained true to ourselves in the moment.

Neha shared a similar viewpoint. She stated that there are times when we inevitably will sway from our authentic selves (ie, our teenage years).

“Everyone wants to fit in when they’re younger, but everyone wants to be different when they’re older.” – Neha Alaparthy, 2026

Neha described the classic teenage era, where we all want to be exactly like each other. Being an outcast feels like social hell for teens. As we get older, though, many realize that it’s actually the fact that we’re all different that makes life that much more exciting and fulfilling. So, through this conversation, we’ve understood that a major part of authenticity is returning to ourselves.

My therapist also once mentioned that we can look back on those who have lived an authentic life and draw almost a straight line through their life; most of their actions, accomplishments, choices will have all connected together. Yes, they’ll surely have moments where they may have swayed, but inevitably most of their life’s doing will have fit on that line.

Authenticity may be an intentional practice for some and may come naturally for others. But I do feel that maybe we have to be far more mindful of it in today’s time because of the development of AI, mass misinformation, and the ever-growing demands of social media.

• yet another conversation on love 😉

It’s funny how many of my recent coffee dates and I have spent some time talking about and dissecting romantic love. Perhaps I’m relying on my dates to give me a clear-cut answer so that I’ll know how it feels when I feel it? I will say that it is heartening to talk about love with people my own age because we’re all in the same “phase” of life, so we can figure it out together.

The overarching message from this conversation was that love should be amplifying. Both Neha and Nitya emphasized that true love is when two independent people come together and amplify all the color and good that already exists in each other’s lives.

“If you’re going to be in a relationship, that relationship can not be your only support system.” – Nitya Alaparthy, 2026

I’ve always gently rejected the idea that we need a romantic partner to make us feel complete. We’re all complete, as we are. I feel that a romantic love is needed, to some extent, but rather than being a lifeline, it acts as a necessary addition. Nitya attested to this when she mentioned that one must not rely on their partner for all of their needs; it’s a rather impossible bar for partners to rise to and inevitably will result in disappointment. As a result, it is crucial to ensure that equal, if not more, time is invested into the platonic areas of our lives, such as building friendships and deepening familial connections, because it takes a community, a village, to feel seen in all the ways. It’s unrealistic to place all the pressure on just one person, no matter how much we love them, to be everything and solve everything for us.

“I’m not in charge of your happiness. You are.” – Neha Alaparthy, 2026

Neha added that the same “rules” that apply to relationships, in general, also must apply to romantic relationships. It’s rather illogical to rely on others to be our source of happiness. Again, unhealthy amount of pressure and it also leads to destabilization. When we realize that we are in power of our own lives, then we can attract the kind of romantic love that nudges us, guides us, and encourages us; they may guide us towards happiness, but they won’t be the be-all-end-all of our happiness.

Now this doesn’t mean that we’re rooting for hyper-independence; rather, we’re rooting for creating a life that is filled with many different pockets of love – friendships that nourish your soul, families that make you feel valued, passions that make your inner child dance, and if you so desire, partners who add even more joy into your already joyful world.

• “I love them, but do I like them?”

Continuing on the topic of romantic love, we also touched on something that my therapist has repeatedly told me to ask myself whenever I meet a potential romantic interest. She said to ask, “I love them, but do I like them?”

And you know what, that really changed the game for me. Because love feels like the ocean – big, massive, serene, and kind. I do want a love like that. But for a love like that to last, I need to like the person. For an ocean to feel like an ocean, we need the sand, pebbles, sun, fish, turtles, seaweed, people sunbathing, children building castles, everything.

So my therapist argues that it’s easy to fall in love, but it’s much harder to actually like the person we’re in love with. And perhaps this is why love that buds from friendship tends to last longer? Because to form a friendship with someone, we have to actively like them as a person.

All this yapping about love as if I know what the hell I’m talking about smh.

• the parenting hack

Surely I ain’t a parent, but I do know that we can learn a great deal from children. I don’t think we listen enough to our children. I don’t think we give them as much credit as we should.

In fact, my time at Bal Ashram was singlehandedly the most life-altering experience of my life because it was in those quiet mornings, sipping on chai, and listening to the boys talk, interact, and love that I learned and felt what it actually means to be alive. They taught me everything. Imagine how much kinder, softer, and freer life would be if we listen to children more. I must digress for a second and beg anyone and everyone who made it this far to please read The House in the Cerulean Sea by T.J. Klune. It’s a book that will feel like a warm hug on a soft, autumn day. It’ll emphasize the importance of children, their childhoods, and all that they are capable of teaching us.

Both Neha and Nitya mentioned that their parents have now adopted the ability to listen. Madhavi Aunty now asks her kids, “Do you want me to give advice or do you want me to listen?” And honestly, I think this is a question that we can ask in any of our relationships, but it’s even more impactful when it’s between a parent and child. It’s healing.

Instead of rushing to scold or wanting to solve all their problems, pausing and asking the children what it is they really need in that moment to feel seen and held will do much more good.

the end.

This was a calm date, a date that served many reminders. Most of all, it reminded me to continue to lead a soft life. Perhaps I don’t need an answer to every burning existential question. Leading with the heart is all it takes.