As someone who has never been in love, I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. What is it? How do you know when you feel it? What is it supposed to feel like? What are you supposed to do with it? So many questions, very few answers.

This video popped up on my feed today. The person states that in a romantic relationship these three things are what we should be looking for:

1. You have to be deeply in love with someone as an individual, separate from who they are in connection to you.
2. Do I love the way they love me, the way they show up for me and support me?
3. Do I love the kind of life in the world that they are trying to create? Because, as a partner, I will inevitably be creating that with them.

When I first watched the reel, I completely agreed with him and connected with these three things profoundly. It makes sense and it aligns with everything that I so deeply believe in: maintaining a sense of independence in a relationship, being loved in a way where your own needs are being met, and having your partner simply be an addition to your life.

Hours later, I’m still thinking about it, and I just feel more confused. It feels like everything about love is made up of shoulds and should-nots.

Love should feel easy, but it should also require work.
Love should make you feel butterflies in your stomach.
Oh wait no, actually the butterflies are a warning sign that indicate the presence of threat and fear.
Love should feel exhilarating and euphoric.
But you shouldn’t lose yourself too deeply.
Love should amplify all the good things in your life that already exist.
But it shouldn’t take away anything or make you dependent on someone.

It’s exhausting and confusing. The one thing I do know and strongly believe in, though, is that love may begin as a feeling, but it eventually becomes a choice – we have to actively continue to choose to love the person throughout the entirety of the relationship. And this is scary because that’s a boat load of trust we have to place in someone else. Love inevitably requires trust, but that trust is built on courage. I’ve come to realize that the ability to love someone and the ability to allow someone else to love us takes a massive amount of courage, and I simply do not have that level of bravery at this moment.

I’m a lost soul when it comes to love. The more I think and see things about love, the more confused I get. Maybe none of us actually know how to describe love because we’re intellectualizing it so much to the point where it lost its true meaning? I don’t know.