Author: Esha Kode

having a ‘Girl Dad’

by Esha Kode

As an Indian-American girl, my relationship with my parents has been a BUMPY rollercoaster ride, to say the least. In particular, my relationship with my father fluctuated greatly throughout the years. Despite having my differences with him, Papa Kode said something the other day that I will forever cherish.

A few weeks ago, I found out that one relative was shit talking me behind my back. It is almost impossible to keep things a secret in Indian families, so her words eventually reached my amazing ears. When I first heard what she had been yapping, I couldn’t help but laugh because a) none of it was true (obviously) and b) she stooped so low that it actually was purely comedic.

I responded to that in a rather impulsive and selfish way, but I wanted my Dad to know so I could gauge how he’d react. So, I casually dropped this news during lunch the other day and my dad was just in complete shock – he had no idea. I guess her words never reached him.

After intently listening to our gossip queen spill the tea, Papa Kode said the following words:

“I don’t care what these people think of you Esha Amma. I trust you, I know you, and that’s all that matters.”

#GirlDad.

Hearing Papa Kode say those words had my childhood self SCREAMING and BEAMING with happiness. I didn’t give a rat’s ass about what some lame desi auntie was saying, but I did give A LOT of shits about what my parents were thinking. Now, if my dad had chosen to believe that rando over me, then I would’ve simply cocooned into my cave and moved on with my life knowing that my parents don’t know anything about me. However, considering that he did not, in fact, choose a rando over me, made all the difference in helping me re-shift my childhood opinion of my own father.

You see, the reason why this is so groundbreakingly amazing is because our culture is hellbent on letting society dictate the way we view ourselves and approach the world. People pleasing is so deeply rooted in our culture that it’s not something that I can just teach my parents about – it’s something that they themselves have to be willing to see and understand. Therefore, when that auntie said “negative” things about our family, specifically the Indian daughter who’s utter purpose in life is supposedly to people please her entire existence, I thought the situation would unfold more as a dramatic Bollywood film. To my surprise, there was a major plot twist. For that, I am grateful and in fact, proud of Papa Kode for being a #GirlDad.

Let’s try to figure out what the phrase ‘Girl Dad’ even implies:

For starters, Fatherhood is not talked about nearly as much as Motherhood. We expect mothers to be mothers, so we don’t necessarily value the idea of motherhood as much as we probably should. On the other hand, when we think of a man, we don’t automatically equate his worth to his role as a father. In fact, when we see a man being a great dad, we’re almost taken aback, as if we’re collectively surprised that a father is….well, fathering. We revere fathers and downplay mothers, but I digress.

According to The Dad, here’s what being a ‘Girl Dad’ means:

“Being a girl dad is about working to make the world better for you girls…..There’s nothing we could teach to our sons that we can’t teach to our daughters, but there’s a lot that our daughters can teach us. We recognize the importance of raising strong, independent women. We also recognize that there are stigmas, stereotypes, and inequalities that exist that stand in the way of our daughters being whatever they want to be, and it’s our job to help knock those down.”

I do want to note that it’s also important that being a ‘Boy Dad’ is equally important because young boys are also suffering with the pressures that come with the idea of ‘being man enough.’ Just parenthood in general ya’ll….there are so many ways to screw us up. I digress again – apologies.

I want to end this by saying that I am proud of Nanna for being a kickass #GirlDad the other day. I hope that we can reach a point where all parents are rooting for all of their kids. I also hope that we as a society reach a point where we can offer support to all parents/caretakers/guardians to help them become emotionally mature adults so that they can raise emotionally mature children in a safe, nurturing environment.❣️

One Day….after-effects

by Esha Kode
Image Source: Netflix

There’s A LOT I wanna say about the incredible casting, the double-standards for women (and women of color) in the romantic genre, THE REPRESENTATION, the story, and much more. But, for right now, I wanna talk about a single part from the show that absolutely wrecked my soul.

For those of you who watched Ambika Mod and Leo Woodall’s One Day on Netflix, like many others, you must’ve been ruminating about the entire series for days afterward.

Same here.

My initial understanding of the show was that love is rarely ever grand. In fact, love is built on those small, consecutive moments of rawness and a solid base of friendship. It reminded all of us to fuck up, make mistakes, learn from those mistakes / hold our people close, just say ‘i love you’ to the people who matter to you / it’s never too late to do something, it’s never too early to do something / our words matter / fame is just a source of external validation, chasing after it will create volatile lives / pain looks different for everyone / love is truly beautiful, and we are all worthy of it.

I got all of that from the show, but it’s what my therapist told me afterwards that totally shook my mind. She reminded me of the scene where Emma reads an excerpt from Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles to Dexter.

That excerpt essentially says:

We all have a birthday, a day in which we’re born. We tend to celebrate it every year because we know of the date and we may even know of the exact time that we were welcomed into this world.

We all also do have a deathday, a day in which we die. However, we never celebrate it because well….1) that’s morbid and 2) we have no idea when it is.

Thus, every single year, we stumble through our death day, and it remains “sly and unseen” intelligently masked by the rest of the ‘ordinary’ days. And yet, that same day that you spent in 2006 opening Christmas presents, in 2018 getting married, or in 2024 crying in the shower, might very well become your last day in this realm of the world.

That shook me.

This helped to give some sort of meaning to the cliché phrase “live each day to its fullest.” The reason to live each day to the fullest is because we have no idea if this day, today, is our “sly and unseen” death day that’s coming up in 5, 10, 15, 45 years. It’s just a normal day today, but it can become one of the most important days in the future.

Still ruminating about this while the show continues to tug at my heart…..

ceasefire! 🇵🇸

by Esha Kode

I’d like to thank Manasi Palle, Morgan Keyt, and Ravali Kodali for their incredible advice, support, and solidarity.

Image Source: Rhea Shetty

I’ve been procrastinating writing this post because I didn’t think I knew enough to vocalize my thoughts. Thus, I stuck with reposting information and content that came directly from the heroes on the ground; and I will continue to do so. However, I no longer want to use the “I don’t know enough” excuse to not write, grieve, and share critical information. 

We must stop the genocide taking place in Palestine. We Americans must call for a permanent ceasefire.

Innocent lives, children’s lives, are being lost and the U.S. is continuing to use the Hamas attack as justification for Israel’s continued tyranny. No, I am not Anti-Semitic. No, I am not Islamophobic. I am human and I see how we, as a world, were so quick to sit in our safe, privileged homes and claim that the oppressed group deserves to be in perpetual pain and die. It is disgusting and inhumane.

Note [thank you Manasi Palle for this thought]: Initially, before 1948, Palestine was home to people from various ethnicities and cultures. Arabs, Jews, Christians – they were all living on Palestinian land, together. All of them had a religious connection to areas of the land, specifically Jerusalem. Thus, this means that:

“Arabs are also a part of the semite community, not just Jews. It’s hard to be Antisemitic when you’re advocating for Arab lives.” – Manasi Palle

For the past month or so, I’ve been trying to learn as much as I can about Israel and Palestine and their relationship. I learned that Israel is a nation built entirely on Palestinian land. I understand that Jewish people needed to flee tumultuous, dangerous, and cruel conditions post the Holocaust. They needed a home. However, it is a necessary truth to acknowledge that that home was created by ethnically cleansing the Palestinian people and throwing them out of their own homes. Israel, a country created on May 14th, 1948, was displacing Palestinians, who have lived and nurtured that land for decades before Israel was ever even created. Israel oppressed and continues to oppress Palestinians.

Dr. Gabor Maté, an absolute iconic human who is also a physician, author, and survivor of the Holocaust, speaks about the current situation. Watch the whole video. It’s worth it.

“The state [Israel] was founded based on the extirpation, exploitation, and multiple massacres of the local population [Palestinians].” – Dr. Gabor Maté

In addition to Dr. Maté’s words, I’d also like to reference Dr. Ayesha Khan’s words that have stuck with me ever since their post.

Dr. Khan writes “the oppressed deserve to resist their oppressors by any means necessary.” When I first read that, I quite literally gasped and had to take a deep breath because my brain immediately went to But Hamas’s attack was inhumane. How can I justify this? 

The answer is there is no justification. A human life is a human life. Tragic death is never the answer. Seeking revenge is never the answer. Many people were killed on October 7th. However, that does not justify Israel’s actions in response. 

“Israel has a right to defend itself.”

Every time a discussion about the current situation unfolds, many are quick to claim “But Israel has a right to defend itself.” Yes, it does. But, every country does – this includes the Palestinian people. In the words of Dr. Gabor Maté, “Israel has no right to impose an occupation on people.”

This is not justification for the Hamas attack on October 7th, rather it’s a call for people to pause and understand the historical trauma of the other side. When we look at isolated actions, especially through the lens of Western media, we never even bother to look at the historical context of what the people of Palestine have been enduring for decades.  

where are my Indian-American activists?

India, a country which has only been independent for about 76 years, was also once a colonized region. Brown History’s EP54: Israel and India put some things into perspective:

  1. India LOVES the idea of having a fascist state because it is a country that continuously promotes Hindu nationalism, above all. Thus, having a country like Israel successfully dominate and oppress Palestinians was something that aligned with their own values. 
  2. India has to maintain its two-faced “support.” India supports Israel loudly. In fact, India is the largest arms buyer of Israel. However, it must also maintain some sort of “support” for Palestinians because India’s source of energy comes from the Arab regions. Notice how everything is so very calculated AND performative. 
  3. India is doing to Kashmir what Israel is doing to Gaza and Palestine. Therefore, how can India retaliate against Israel if their governments’ behaviors are so similar? Kashmir and Palestine share a major similarity, which is their struggle for self-determination (Azad Essan). India wants control over the Kashmiri land, which has led to decades of armed conflict and tragic killings of civilians; similarly, Israel, from the very beginning, has operated from the desire to ethnically cleanse Palestine. Thus, many Indians align themselves with the patriotic nature of their country’s desire to gain control of Kashmir and as a result, naively side with Israel’s brutal occupation and killings. 

Take an hour to listen to the Brown History podcast with Azad Essan. It’s so incredibly informative and sheds light on the twisted nature of India’s relationship with Israel.

“The relationship is deep because the two countries [India and Israel] are seeing things in each other that they want to emulate and that they need from each other.” – Azad Essan

Now, from my experience, Indian Americans and Indians, in general, are viciously patriotic and will immediately stand up and voice their concerns for any injustices occurring within India or to Indian people. That is beautiful.

For instance, earlier this year, it was revealed that South Indian Jaahnavi Kundala was tragically killed in Seattle, Washington by a white cop. The body cam footage shows the cop joking about Jaanhavi’s death and even going as far as attaching a numerical value to her death. This was absolutely gut-wrenching and it was indeed crucial to have people come together and demand #JusticeforJaahnavi.

Here’s my issue:

Majority of the Indian-Americans and Indian celebrities, content creators, and influencers in my online social network immediately demanded justice for Jaahnavi and spoke up about this atrocity. Hell, South Asians even came together to talk about how The Academy promoted racist ideas by having non-South Asian dancers perform to “Naatu Naatu” at the Oscars.

However, for people who have the ability and desire to stand up for their fellow South Asians, very few of them are using their voices for the people of Palestine right now. What happened? This shows me, very clearly, that our empathies are imprisoned by specific geographical borders. We humanize a select few and dehumanize the others. 

stand in solidarity.

Here are a few ways you and I can stand in solidarity with the Palestinian people while also pushing the U.S. government to STOP funding a genocide. 

  • Visit ceasefiretoday.com!
  • Look at the various options offered by so.informed.
  • The easiest one: follow the heroes on the ground, who are risking their lives every day to dismantle Western media’s dehumanization of the Palestinian people. Amplify their voices.
    1. Motaz Azaiza
    2. Plestia Alaqad
    3. Yara Eid
    4. Hind Khoudary
  • Follow the other accounts to learn about the historical context of what is happening right now.
    1. @so.informed
    2. @wokescientist
    3. @letstalkpalestine
    4. @jewishvoiceforpeace
    5. @nouraerakat
  • READ A BOOK! This one was life-changing.
    • Haymarket Books is providing FREE E-books for a FREE Palestine here. 
    • Haymarket Books also has a list of many books written by Palestinians here.
    • Palestine by Joe Sacco – a graphic novel
    • Except for Palestine by 2 political scientists
    • Freedom is a Constant Struggle by Angela Davis
    • Light in Gaza 
    • Sim Kern, a Jewish author, speaks about the importance of reading a book written by Palestinian authors. She states that when we read their words, it will humanize the Palestinian people for us. Check out this link for Sim Kern’s book recommendations. 
    • Here is a list of fiction, nonfiction, and poetry books written by Palestinian authors.
  • Boycott & Culture Jam brands that are actively funding a genocide. Here‘s a list.
    • Here are the top companies that I am personally boycotting as I, once, used to be a regular consumer.
      • Starbucks (alternatives: for people in NJ/PA – small world coffee (princeton), junbi (princeton), moth coffeehouse (allentown), pretty bird coffee (PA))
      • McDonald’s, Burger King, Dominoes Pizza (alternative: check out local diners & restaurants that offer the same food – healthier and more scrumptious even!)

show up.

I have no issue with equal powers wanting to go to war as long as they vehemently follow international law and do not use people, more importantly children, as human shields. In this case, though, it’s unjust to call this a war, let alone a conflict, because both of these terms insinuate that there are two equal and opposing sides. There is no equality here: it’s the Israeli’s large-scale weaponry and trained soldiers, funded via billions of American dollars, against the UNARMED, UNTRAINED, men, women, children, and people of Palestine. 

We must liberate our empathies – free it from all borders. Do not let these man-made lines blur your thinking and actions. Children are dying at catastrophic rates. Palestinian children are still our children. Palestinian people are still our people. Let’s stand in solidarity. Let’s show up. Let’s be loud. 

plane rides 🛩

by Esha Kode

In T-14 hours, I will be getting on a 30-hour plane ride. As I put aside clothes to wear for the plane ride this morning, I thought Damn, this plane ride is gonna be hell. My legs are going to be so crammed and my digestive system will go haywire and my back is gonna die. That thought led to me thinking about the notion of the classes on planes (ie, first-class, business-class, economy-class). What a world we live in.

Our modern world (and capitalist world) complicated something as simple as equality. Equality, in essence, is just treating every person equally, fairly, justly. There are so many faceted layers to equality, so let’s focus on money for now.

The idea of equality is so intertwined with money to the point where it feels sickening. Why does one person who can afford to or want to spend money on a business-class ticket get to spread their legs out, get better food, and recline as far as they can to sleep better, while another person, who either cannot afford the ticket or simply does not want to spend money on that ticket, need to force themselves to fit their legs in a 2 in. radius, receive shit food, and can’t even recline fully without being in the face of the passenger behind them?

I know it’s a stretch to wish for all people of all professions to be compensated fairly. Thus, my problem is more-so with the amenities that come with being rich. It’s kinda paradoxical no? When you’re rich, you can suddenly afford a whole bunch of things (ie, a first-class plane ticket) to maintain that richness. But when you’re poor, and potentially in a more dire state, your options are severely limited. Thus, the rich are continuously valued and made richer while the poor are devalued and made poorer. We’re literally going farther away from reaching equality.

we were walking, and then we were chased.

by Esha Kode

It was 3:30AM.

My gal pals and I were chatting tiredly as we were on our way back home after spending nearly 6 hours out and about in NY celebrating one of our friend’s birthday. We’re walking down the street wearing jeans and fancy tops. Everyone is sober and waiting to just hit the bed. We’re the only ones on the street. As we turned a corner, a man in his big black SUV rolls down his window and makes the sound “mmmmmmm” as if he had just been given a bowl of Maggi noodles. Objectification can be as simple as this: the need to make such a sound as he saw us implied that he practically equated our worth to a bowl of food.

That’s not the end of it, though.

We ignored his stupidity and continued walking. I want to note here that that is exactly what we’ve been conditioned to do. When a man does or says something to us, it’s best to walk away because we can’t win.

We had 2 more blocks to walk, totaling to about 5 more minutes. While waiting at the intersection, there was another man standing at the other side. He was wearing a green hoodie and baggy jeans. His hands remained in his pocket. We’ll name this guy ‘Green Hoodie.’

Confident that nothing can happen considering the fact that there was a group of us, we all continued to cross the intersection and ignored Green Hoodie’s comment. At this point, we picked up our walking pace as we didn’t want to engage with a stranger on the street, let alone a man, at 4:00 in the morning. Again, this fear was etched into our souls from a young age.

Then, one girl panicked and started running, so the rest of us followed. Another girl asked someone to turn around and see if Green Hoodie is following us. All of us assumed that he wasn’t because why would he?

That’s when one of the girls shrieked.

Then, I heard the man’s voice. He made those weird noises we hear when we go to a Haunted House during Halloween season. It was terrifying. My soul felt like it left my body.

We were now running for our life.

I turned to see how far away he was from us. He was just a few steps behind and his hands remained in his pockets.

I screamed to the girls near me, “Should I call them?” Collectively, they responded, “Yes!”

That’s when I dialed 9-1-1, for the first time. My hands were shaking. My bag was weighing me down. My heart was beating too fast. He got closer.

One of us even stood in the middle of the street and screamed, hoping that some neighbor would come out. No one did. Another one of us demanded him to stop. He didn’t.

As we were all continuing to run for our life, Green Hoodie had the audacity to yell back at us and ask, “Why are you guys running?” with a smirk on his face. Why else would a group of girls be running in the middle of the night?

Finally, as we approached the entrance of the apartment building, one girl yelled one more time “STOP!” That somehow seemed to have triggered something in him, and he, very casually, turned around and walked away.

That’s it. He didn’t ask for money. He didn’t touch us. He didn’t shoot. He simply wanted to feed off of our fear.

Where were the patrol cars? Where were the emergency alert buttons? What if the man had a gun (America does have a sickening gun problem after all)?

Green Hoodie probably went back to his 4am business with absolutely no care in the world. Meanwhile, us girls went back to the apartment and practically shivered in fear internally, and were traumatized to the point where we decided we couldn’t walk anywhere anymore.

To the people who might be reading this and question, “But why were you walking so late at night?”

Respectfully, get the hell out of here.

We have the right to walk, and that too, safely. We are not the problem. Hyper masculinity is the problem. The way we teach and ingrain gender is the problem.

Every girl and woman I know is always told to never walk the streets alone at night, to wear proper clothes if we’re going to be amongst other men, to never take someone else’s drink at a party, to carry pepper spray, etc.. The fear has been inculcated in us from a young age. It’s implicitly telling us that ‘boys will be boys, so you take the necessary precautions to keep yourself safe.‘

For example, I was at a club in NYC last week. I was, once again, with a group of my girl and guy friends. As I was dancing with them, I felt two arms suddenly creep around my waist. Gross. Another day, I was walking down the street at 11:00am, wearing a summer dress. I was cat called and practically followed by two men, in BROAD DAYLIGHT.

In both instances it will be easy for people to claim that I could have done something differently to have avoided those men. People may say, “Well you shouldn’t have been dancing so close to that man if you didn’t want him to touch you.” I’m sorry, where else do you want me to stand and bop in a crowded club? In the bathroom?

Such instances are so normalized that we’ve become desensitized to them. We rarely stop to acknowledge that this isn’t normal. It shouldn’t be normal, and it shouldn’t be something that we just deal with.

When a man touches a woman without any sort of consent or permission, he literally sees that woman as being less than – as being an object and something that doesn’t need permission to be touched or used. It’s disgusting. I don’t even let my close friends touch me without my permission, so imagine how triggering and traumatizing it is for women to have to face this every single goddamn day.

The solution?

There are plenty, but here are a few ideas.

For starters, let’s maybe have more safety features in neighborhoods? More emergency alert buttons, a neighborhood watch group, or literally anything that can result in fast actions. At least until we somehow manage to dismantle hyper masculinity and create a world that is safe for all marginalized and oppressed groups of people.

Secondly, we need to recognize that gender socialization is a massive part of the problem. Such conversations are making it to the forefront only within privileged communities. We need to provide access to this information and awareness to ALL communities.

Thirdly, as a society, we must stop blaming the women for dressing the way we want, walking where we want, being the way we want. Nothing justifies the harassment, objectification, and even the rapes. Instead of policing the already oppressed people’s freedom and control, it’s much more effective to spend that energy on educating the oppressors. Some may change, others might not. Those who don’t should be punished. Those who do can become allies and partake in creating a safer world.

dear diary: ‘tingles’ in my heart

by Esha Kode

My heart is squishy today. ☺️

I was just chilling in front of my laptop, sipping on some coffee, and doing some work. I then started to feel these foreign ‘tingles’ in my heart.

They feel like little fairies jumping around in my chest. It’s different from the heart-pounding anxiety jumps – they’re soft, feathery jumps. They’re not butterflies nor are they heart drops. They’re just ‘tingles.’

I think this is what happiness feels like in my physical body. The kind of happiness that isn’t necessarily a reaction – it’s just an emotion that I’m feeling on a regular day living my regular life.

Though I know that these tingles are temporary as are all emotions, I am appreciative for having recognized the feeling of happiness.

I feel like I’ve always known what anxiety, grief, loneliness, and even anger feel like in my body. I can attach a name to the emotion I’m feeling based on the physical manifestations of that emotion. However, the physical feeling of happiness was something that I never gave much attention to because, we humans love to ruminate on the negatives and often overlook the positives.

To be able to pinpoint this physical feeling of happiness is totally brand new. It has given me the ability to cherish this feeling for just a little bit longer.

Still got those tingles in my heart ❣️ I’ll go cheese around for a bit.

intermittent thoughts about death.

by Esha Kode

tw: death, cancer

a growing list of thoughts about death:

[8/24/23]

• cancer is a fucking shit-show. i’ve begun to personify cancer – i see it as this big, powerful, monster that wreaks havoc on not just the patient, but every single person that that patient knows. it rips everything apart. it doesn’t rest even after you’ve given it boatloads of tears and prayers. and the worst of its kind is when they return after they’ve let the person feel victorious the first time around. it’s monstrous. atrocious.

• today, while talking to a 90 yo grandmother, i was reminded that we leave with absolutely nothing in this world. all that money, fame, validation, success, and even happiness that we chase in this rat race called life – none of it hugs us in our grave. we’re all people – equal people, fundamentally. but this world is so fucked yo, all this greed to be known, it’s killing our humanity.

• unconditional love, always. that’s the truest potential any of us can ever reach no? the ability to feel and give unconditional love? this is what it means to be human – to feel human. no amount of Gucci bags, job promotions, or social connections will allow us to reach our highest self. i’m not saying we should all just drop everything and go to the Himalayas and meditate. i’m saying we should recognize that every time we engage with such thoughts, purchases, and actions, we realize that these are just temporary things for our very temporary existence. unconditional love, on the other hand, is a very permanent thing that will last forever, even after our very temporary existence.

• it’s tricky being children and watching your parents die. what if they were never the parents that you needed them to be? were they abusive – physically or emotionally? were they parenting, but not meeting your own needs? suddenly, they have weeks left to live and you’re forced to chow down all that hatred, anger, and emptiness and be there for your parents. yet, you don’t know how to be there for them because they never showed you how they were there for you. how can you be something if you were never shown how to be it?

• “I hope this grief stays with me because it’s all the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her. And I told her every day.” – Andrew Garfield

“M” ❤️

by Esha Kode

We’ll call her “M.”

I only began visiting “M” about a month ago. I’d see her every Friday and we’d chat by her bedside. “M” was about a month shy of her 88th birthday. She passed away yesterday.

“M” was a vibrant soul. She was an aide in the past and worked overnight shifts in her local hospital, taking care of her patients.

She was diagnosed with progressive cancer.

“M” is the mother of 3 kids, has 9 grandchildren, and 11 great-grandchildren. She loves each and every single one of them.

“M” loved learning about my Indian culture and she adored the pictures I would show her of my family and me.

She repeatedly told me “Oh honey, you’re beautiful but make sure you focus on your studies. I know I sound like your mother, but still focus on your education first.”

“M” loved to get her nails painted and play Bingo.

She loved her nature walks outside and was a fan of the sun.

“M” showed me beautiful pictures of herself from her surprise birthday party. She was cheesin’ so hard in all of those pictures.

She would always say that I am going to make my parents proud when I go to medical school and become a doctor.

“M” and I would watch TV in her room and laugh at the people coming on to the show and wonder how they look similar to celebrities.

“M” was a radiating soul full of wholesome wisdom and energy. Thankful to have spent some time with her ❣️

the final coffee date.

by Esha Kode

Go read the final coffee date 🥺 Had a little coffee date with myself and penned down some thoughts.

Many of my coffee dates have told me to have a date with myself for my 50th date, so here I am: sitting in the comfort of a secluded area in my home, by myself, sipping on some warm coffee, and writing…..about myself.

This feels weird. It feels like a diary entry, but this diary entry will be public so do I say everything I want to say or do I sugarcoat it to make it more appealing for the ‘audience’? Do I ask myself the same questions I ask my other dates? Do I write in the third person (🙈)? Naturally, it’s uncomfortable to force myself to reflect and think deeply about myself; it’s easier to guide other people to talk about themselves.

Writing this 50th date also feels bittersweet. We hit 50 coffees 🥺. I know that this is my project and it doesn’t necessarily have to end here, but just the fact that I was able to stick with this for almost over 2 years and follow through with it makes me feel fulfilled and incredibly rejuvenated.

I guess ya’ll are diving into my world now? Welcome :>

Diving into the world of Esha Kode….

grad season 🥺

by Esha Kode

Don’t be alarmed. This is a pic of my insane packing right before I moved out of my apartment this year 😦

T-3 days before I watch a ton of my pals, including coffee date #25, graduate 🥺. Thus, due to my weird feelings and emotions, I wanted to write about how much things change every year when we come back to college. All throughout middle school and high school, every year felt the same socially – I was with the same group of kids, who all lived in the same town. College, however, has been different. 

Coffee date #26 and #33 have both told me how they essentially started off every academic year in college with a new friend group or friend. This isn’t a ‘bad’ thing or a ‘red flag.’ It’s just how college is. We often start off with a huge group of people that we had just met. We’re new, wild freshmen who have no idea what to expect in people. Then, we start to potentially become more clear about our boundaries and expectations and start to downsize our inner circle. Every year that inner circle may change, which means every year we’re cultivating a different set of memories with a different set of people. That’s okay. Some might be lucky enough to find their forever people who stuck with them for all 4 years and some may not. That’s okay. 

Last year, I met Shivdaballer and found my partner in crime. She then graduated college and I had to lowkey start all over again this year. Fortunately, I found my people again this year, but I found a whole bunch of them so late into the year (examples: coffee date #34 and coffee date #41). They’re seniors and they’re going to leave, just like Shivdaballer did. Therefore, I am naturally, once again, sitting in a puddle of those same weird feelings that I started this academic year with when I realized Shivdaballer will not be with me. 

This doesn’t necessarily mean that I am back to square one because I still do have my people who are not graduating this year. Nonetheless, it does mean that I am back to grieving the lost time with the people I met so late in college. If I had only met them earlier, maybe we would have made more memories together? Maybe we would have gotten to know everything about each other? Maybe we would have had more wild drunk nights together? Maybe we would have had more late night Wawa and Taco Bell runs together? Who knows. 

Connecting with so many seniors also has me ruminating about the people I will keep in touch with once it’s time for me to graduate the following year. Who do I see attending my ‘Wedding Party‘? This is a rather frightening question to ponder upon. I want them all at my Wedding Party, but I know that that won’t be the case because it’s only natural to drift apart. I know that a few will be my life-long companions; a bunch will shift into my acquaintance list; and a whole lot of them will become people I’ll occasionally see on Instagram, prompting me to reminisce about that one day we got drunk together or that one exam we crammed for together or that one event we hosted together.

College is a weird time in our lives and that weirdness is not talked about often. College is an incredibly exhilarating and enriching experience, yet at the same time, it’s also a wildly bittersweet rollercoaster ride. 

Congratulations to all my amazing homies who will be graduating this week. I will forever hold our memories in my heart. Ya’ll are precious ❤