Dear Diary…

A mother called me today and told me about her daughter’s declining mental health. She was vulnerable with me and opened up about her daughter’s loneliness.

In the beginning few minutes of the call, I felt honored that the mother felt comfortable enough to share this with me and thought that I could help. Further into the call I realized that, when I was younger, I was a part of that group at parties that would exclude this mother’s daughter – not because we disliked her, but because she was always so quiet and we felt that she wouldn’t fit in. I regret it so much now because what if I was the one that took that extra step to talk to her during one of those parties? Would she have felt less lonelier now knowing that not everyone treats her like a ghost?

I realize that I’ve done this multiple times throughout my childhood. I’ve excluded many others solely because I was lucky enough to be a part of the larger group. As I’m becoming more self aware, I’m getting more disgusted at my younger self for behaving like such an idiot. Hell, maybe I still do treat some people like crap and I don’t even realize it because it’s embedded in me.

This reminds me of coffee date #4‘s conversation, where he told me:

“There is definitely something that we all did, whether consciously or unconsciously, that someone thinks about everyday.” – Jai Gill, 2021

I’m grossed out, disappointed, and scared.

Grossed out because I was such a freaking ass who blindly went with the rest of the crowd, afraid that I wouldn’t fit in.

Disappointed because I had 0 self-awareness, self-assurance, or even empathy to value every single person around me. Who tf am I to decide who is or isn’t good enough to be a part of the larger group? Wait. Why do we even need groups?

Scared because what if I keep doing this unconsciously? How do I train myself to be more conscious and inclusive of everyone around me? Sounds ridiculously simple and even stupid, but it’s truly unnerving once you realize that you’ve made grave mistakes in the past.