Life has been a whirlwind these past few months – especially since I’ve started my job as a medical scribe. My anxiety has peaked in ways never before, to the point where I struggle to sleep and work.
There have also been a lot of other things that I’ve been trying to complete. But as a perfectionist, I never feel satisfied and always feel like there is more to do, which inevitably leaves me feeling even more disappointed and fatigued.
I realized that I have immense ambitions that are underway and am excited about, but at the same time, I am identifying myself with these ambitions. More specifically, I am identifying myself with my thoughts.
Additionally, I’ve begun working out regularly for the past year and have started to eat more healthily in hopes of attaining my fitness goals. However, in this process, I’ve also started to identify with my body.
In essence, when we identify ourselves with our bodies and minds, we limit ourselves from experiencing life for what it is. This is still a concept that I’m trying to grasp because it still seems so unreal and existential, which is why I decided to embark on the Isha Kriya Meditation journey.
Sadhguru recommends that people do this meditation either twice a day for 48 days or once a day for 90 days. However, my life is so unpredictable at the moment and I don’t want to restrict myself with certain “deadlines” because that will simply cause me more anxiety.
So, I am going to TRY to do the Isha Kriya meditation at least once every day and we’ll see if I am able to keep this up for 3 months.
My goal in catapulting myself into the world of meditation is to learn to think and feel broader than the boundaries set by my mind and body. I don’t think meditation will “cure” my anxious thoughts, but I do think it will help me become more aware and better at coping with them.
I encourage you all to try this with me because then maybe we can connect together and discuss our spiritual findings after the 90 days are up 🙂
Quick Synopsis: Elizabeth Gilbert talks about the importance of creative living. The importance of chasing curiosity, not wallowing in failure, and recognizing that creative living is the only way to live.
The most interesting part of this book was when Gilbert talked about her idea to write a book about the Amazon jungle. The idea just came to her and she was ecstatic and completely imbibed in the process of writing that book. However, unexpected events in her life came in the way and hindered the completion of that book. Years later, Gilbert meets one of her author friends, who shares a book idea that she got. The friend repeats the same plot and idea that Gilbert had had with her Amazon jungle story. HOW INSANE!
We often think that ideas are our own. After reading this book, I realize that ideas do not belong to us – we do not create them. Ideas are alive entities and they find that one right person who will bring them to life.
That’s exactly what happened with Gilbert. The idea of the Amazon jungle novel chose Gilbert initially, but when it realized that Gilbert would no longer be able to birth it to life, it chose a different human to do the job. What an incredible finding!
I often get scared that someone will do something before me. I have ideas and projects in mind, so I worry that someone will beat me to it. I will proceed to internalize it if someone does beat me to it.
Note to self after finishing this book:Someone has already done something that you wanted to do because there are only so many things to be done. But no one has done that something the way that you will or have done that something – and this, is the beauty of our human existence.
It’s okay if the same idea that found us traveled away from us and found someone else to fulfill it. We need to realize that either we were not fully ready to do justice for that project or that we can still keep going with the idea and do it in our own way (that is, only if we are still extraordinarily passionate about it).
All in all, this was an incredibly thought-provoking book that made me reframe the way I’ve thought about life. It’s also provided me with some answers on how to handle my envy of others.
I would definitely recommend this for anyone who feels as though they are “stuck,” have no purpose, jealous, or just want to learn how to notice the signs that the Universe continues to bombard us with everyday.
Whether it be for a sick visit or an annual check-up, my doctor’s office always has me fill out a “Mental Health Questionnaire.” The questionnaire essentially consists of numerous statements with a scoring criteria. For example, one statement could be written as “feeling nervous, anxious, or on edge” and the right hand columns will have a 0 for “not at all,” 1 for “several days,” 2 for “more than half the days,” and 3 for “nearly every day.” As I circle a number for each statement, I arrive at the end where I am required to tally up the numbers and give myself a score.
This questionnaire has been a recent requirement, which I appreciate as it shows that mental health is becoming more of a priority in medicine. However, there are a couple drawbacks to this that I feel defeats the whole purpose of having pediatric patients fill this out.
For starters, minors are accompanied by their parents for these doctor visits. Therefore, parents are sitting next to them when children fill out these questionnaires. It can sometimes be uncomfortable and hard to honestly answer the questions because there’s a high probability that our parents are looking over our shoulders to see what we’re writing down. This automatically skews the answers and deems the questionnaire ineffective.
The other major con of this questionnaire is that most doctors don’t even look at it or mention it during the visit. Out of all the years I’ve been required to fill this out, only one doctor took the time to send my mom out of the room and talk to me about my answers. The rest of the physicians didn’t even look at my responses.
What does this convey to pediatric patients?
When the physicians didn’t even bother to take a few minutes to check in with how I was doing mentally, it conveyed to me that getting my ears, eyes, heart, and the rest of my body was more important to them than understanding the way I was feeling mentally.
It also showed me that physicians may not be taught medicine from a holistic standpoint. Especially in the U.S, medicine is more about analyzing a patient’s somatic symptoms and arriving at a diagnosis for further treatment. Therefore, physicians are likely to overlook symptoms of depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, bipolar disorder, etc. because they are so focused on the issues of the physical body.
The questionnaire was a great starting point to prioritize mental health in medicine. However, it is now time to step it up a notch. This could be done by requiring doctors to take time out of the visit to have conversations about mental health. This, not only will help children who recognize that they are mentally struggling, but will also raise awareness for the children who are not aware of mental health and mental illnesses.
I woke up to Arya’s legs on my face. I took a nice therapeutic shower. I had pizza for lunch with Sanj.
Then we did an instagram live with Diva Dhawan, who is an absolute sweetheart. I think she topped off my day to make it even more special. She was so raw, genuine, and vulnerable. I loved it.
I just feel liberated and so much less anxious than I’ve been feeling the past few days. I realized that I need to start slowly training my mind to allow to feel the big emotions – the extreme sadness, the extreme happiness – along with the all the emotions in the middle.
At this very moment right now, I’m happy and I’m going to cherish it for however long it lasts 🙂
Reflecting back on all the conversations I’ve had with these 10 amazing people, I feel so grateful that I decided to embark on this journey.
6 Important Things I’ve Learned
Envy is an innate human trait that is impossible to not possess. It’s more beneficial to recognize the instances when we do feel envious and actively find a way – whether that be taking a second to be proud of yourself or exiting the app/location making you feel that – to cope with this emotion.
Perfection DOES NOT exist. Get it into your think head and listen to it. Despite what our society has embedded in us, claiming that productivity trumps emotional and physical well-being, YOU know better. YOU know that life is a compilation of many more factors than just how hard you’re working and how others perceive you. You’re better than that.
Being vulnerable with others is the key to developing wholesome friendships and relationships. It is impossible and unfair to make others trust you with their life, but you won’t do the same for them.
No one has their shit together. No one is as perfect as they may make themselves seem online or in public. We all have struggles. We all have suffering. Embrace it and develop resilience. Seek help – whether that be in the form of talking to your friends, finding a therapist, or taking medications.
Discover your spiritual self. You never know, you might tap into your innermost euphoric self and discover a whole other meaning for life.
I truly feel so much more liberated, encouraged, and enlightened. Every person had something unique to offer me and I am forever thankful that they took the time to share their scariest vulnerabilities and deepest life lessons with me.
There were numerous times where I drove back home from a coffee date, and simply started tearing up with joy. The amount of exuberance, energy, and significant relief that I gain from each date and each person is extraordinary.
I love this so much and am even more ecstatic to continue bringing you all with me into these conversations!
Someone replies, “Wow, that’s impressive! You must be so productive and hardworking.”
“Yeah, I am. Sleep is a waste of time. Every second you’re sleeping, you’re missing out on a chance to accomplish all your life goals.”
Since when has our productivity become linked with our physical and mental health? Although incorrect, society continues to teach the growing generation that hard work trumps everything. Known as the “Hustle Culture,” it has been ingrained in children early on that if they are not constantly at their maximum productivity, they’re falling behind in life.
But on whose standards has that person fallen behind? Who deems how hard someone must work to achieve their own life goals? Who says that you can’t achieve all your goals in life while also making room for sleep, food, exercise, family, and friends?
The modern education system thrives on “Hustle Culture”. Students are provided a motive to put their health on the backburner simply for grades and the “pride” of making it onto the Honor Roll or Dean’s List. Many social media influencers glorify “Hustle Culture” and toxic productivity by posting content of themselves up at 4:00 am and working until 11:59 pm. Parents support “Hustle Culture” by comparing other children to their own.
This is nonsense.
There is no point in staying up to work if the work you do is of bad quality! It is not necessary to sacrifice your health for your dreams and aspirations. In fact, there is no way you will attain those aspirations if you sacrifice yourself in the process.
Hustle culture inevitably leads to burnout, which is defined as a “state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress.”
According to Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca-Cola in the 1900s:
“Imagine life as a game in which you’re juggling 5 balls in the air. You can name them work, family, health, friends, and spirit. And you’re keeping all of these things in the air. You will soon understand that work is like a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls are made of glass. If you drop them, they’ll be scuffed, damaged, and potentially even shattered. They will never be the same again.”
With the constant stimulation from the outside world, we become our worst enemies. We feel guilty if we take a day to just relax because all of the celebrities and “successful” people supposedly never stop “hustling.” But do not forget, social media shows us only the best of people, rarely the worst.
Don’t compare yourself to others’ standards. Compare yourself to the holistic standards of your mind and body combined. Productivity should not come at the price of your health, family, friends, and ultimately, yourself.
Be present. Be mindful. And be “productive,” in your own way.
A mother called me today and told me about her daughter’s declining mental health. She was vulnerable with me and opened up about her daughter’s loneliness.
In the beginning few minutes of the call, I felt honored that the mother felt comfortable enough to share this with me and thought that I could help. Further into the call I realized that, when I was younger, I was a part of that group at parties that would exclude this mother’s daughter – not because we disliked her, but because she was always so quiet and we felt that she wouldn’t fit in. I regret it so much now because what if I was the one that took that extra step to talk to her during one of those parties? Would she have felt less lonelier now knowing that not everyone treats her like a ghost?
I realize that I’ve done this multiple times throughout my childhood. I’ve excluded many others solely because I was lucky enough to be a part of the larger group. As I’m becoming more self aware, I’m getting more disgusted at my younger self for behaving like such an idiot. Hell, maybe I still do treat some people like crap and I don’t even realize it because it’s embedded in me.
“There is definitely something that we all did, whether consciously or unconsciously, that someone thinks about everyday.” – Jai Gill, 2021
I’m grossed out, disappointed, and scared.
Grossed out because I was such a freaking ass who blindly went with the rest of the crowd, afraid that I wouldn’t fit in.
Disappointed because I had 0 self-awareness, self-assurance, or even empathy to value every single person around me. Who tf am I to decide who is or isn’t good enough to be a part of the larger group? Wait. Why do we even need groups?
Scared because what if I keep doing this unconsciously? How do I train myself to be more conscious and inclusive of everyone around me? Sounds ridiculously simple and even stupid, but it’s truly unnerving once you realize that you’ve made grave mistakes in the past.
This may sound trivial, but I’ve recently (meaning two days ago) realized how dependent my mood is on the weather. For the past couple of months, weather in NJ has been shitty to say the least. Spontaneous snow storms, cold nights, frosty mornings.
I remember when quarantine first started in March 2020, I was heavily dependent on my morning walks/jogs, afternoon bike rides, driveway workouts because these were the only ways for me to get out of my anxious head and focus on something else. I even slept with my windows open because feeling the energy of Nature made me feel less suffocated and more liberated. As November and December came rolling around, I was no longer able to continue those activities nor was I able to leave the windows open because the weather was not allowing me to. That’s when, I realized, my anxiety started spiraling.
I am in awe with the fact that my anxiety is far better when I am in contact with Nature. This explains why the winter months are sometimes exhausting to get through because I have no damn escape route.
These last 2 days, Mother Nature turned around and the weather has been absolutely beautiful. I’ve gone on hour long walks and absorbed all the energy radiating not only from Nature itself (the sun, trees, wind), but also from the other families I see and their kids running around chaotically. It’s remarkable and makes me feel so wholesome. I feel so much more connected to myself and the rest of the world.
After spending simply an hour outside, I find myself more ready to attend classes and do the same amount of mentally draining work without feeling so deeply anxious all the time.
I’ve never understood those people who claimed that reading books had changed their lives because I have always been a movie person. Movies for me were game changers because I was able to feel what the actors and actresses felt as I watched the story unfold for two hours. So, I never understood how reading words can truly change a person’s life in the same way that a film could. I’m glad that I finally understood that this is indeed possible – books can impact us in the most profound way and Untamed is one of those books.
“I do not adjust myself to please the world. I am myself wherever I am, and I let the world adjust.”
Untamed, Glennon Doyle
I read this book for about 15 minutes every night. After a long day of classes, meetings, and work I would wind down and cozy up in my bed to read the raw and powerful writing of Glennon Doyle. I found that I was actually going to bed with a new sense of comfort and wholesomeness after reading a few pages at night.
One of the most gripping things I learned from Untamed was the concept of discovering our Knowing and sitting with it until we declutter our minds. Doyle describes this in an impeccable way. Allowing ourselves to close our eyes and examine every thought that waves into our mind will give us a sense of clarity. Everyone has a Knowing, so it’s just a matter of unleashing it and honing in on it.
Every time Doyle talked about how society “cages” us into the largely patriarchal system that we have enforced, I was in awe. How could I have been so oblivious? How did I not see that what my parents taught me were conditioning me to stay locked in a cage? It was mind-blowing.
“Children are either taught by the adults in their lives to see cages and resist them, or they are trained by our culture to surrender to them. Girls born into a patriarchal society become either shrewd or sick. It’s one or the other.”
I remember a night where my relatives and I were sitting in our family room. The adults were talking about one of my cousins getting married and then the conversation diverted to one of the uncles asking the three of us young girls what type of person we wanted to marry. The other two girls replied with the cliché answer, “I don’t care who they are as long as they are kind and a good person.” I, on the other hand, not knowing that this was some sort of test replied, “I’d like someone who makes sure he smells good and has a job.” Everyone laughed. I was 10 years old.
After everyone left, my mom came into my room and told me, “Esha, you can’t say stuff like that. When people ask you that question you should say that you care more about their personality.”
“Amma, I obviously care about the person’s personality. I was just trying to joke around. But I would prefer it if they had good BO,” I replied.
My mom sighed and said, “I know Esha, but not everyone is going to take it as a joke and they will think that you actually mean it which won’t look good for us.”
Caged. My mom was raised to adhere to society and mold herself into what the world wanted from her. She was never taught to allow the world to mold itself around her.
“What if parenting became less about telling our children who they should be and more about asking them again and again forever who they already are?”
Untamed, Glennon Doyle
I’ve been living with this restless feeling and an immense amount of energy that I can feel bubbling around me and encouraging me to go do something. I thought I was odd and abnormal because no one else seemed to feel so restless in their body and life all the time like I was, so I tried to push that feeling down as far as I could. It would come back every morning, and so everyday I would force it to go back down. After reading Untamed, I realized I’m not the only one with this nagging feeling that seeps beyond the boundaries of my body. It’s not something I should inhibit, but instead something I should release. It’s not something that I should allow to fit into a cage, but something I should unleash from that cage.
I used to have a hard time going to sleep. My grandma would attest to that. I would roll around and take a good 30-45 minutes to fall asleep. That was maybe a few years ago.
Now, at around 11:00pm, I cozy myself into bed and am able to fall asleep in 10 minutes. It sounds stupid to even talk about it, but this one action truly changed the way I function every day- manifesting.
When I get into bed, I picture and imagine myself doing exactly what I hope to achieve in the future. This ranges from the wildest, like walking at NYFW as a supermodel, being on the Forbes Under 30 List, to the simplest, like traveling to Varanasi, India and finding my spiritual self or succeeding during a simple pediatric surgery. Picturing myself in the moment doing what I love and being awarded for doing what I love puts me to sleep in minutes. Why? Because I’m at peace with myself in those wavering minutes before I close my eyes and wait for the day to restart.
Manifestation is real folks. I would tell you how Merriam-Webster defined manifestation, but I didn’t like their version. However, I totally agree with Kelsey Aida’s definition: “to me a manifestation (noun) is something you bring forth into your physical life experience through past thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. This could be an experience, an object, a person… anything!” Beautifully said!
The best part of this whole manifestation spiel is that it’s so easy to practice! I mean it’s “so easy” only if you are so clear on what exactly you want.
Let me list out the steps that you can take to realize the power of manifestation and even implement it into your life.
Hone in on what you want and what you want to ask for. Yeah, I’m literally asking you to ask yourself “What do you want? What do you want the Universe to listen to and reply to you with?”
A few years ago, I hosted and organized my very own TEDx event called, TEDxYouth@ConinesMillPond. The event occurred during my late junior year of high school. It took me over a year to put that event together not because it was hard finding relevant and amazing speakers or locking a venue or finding volunteers or advertising. It was hard because my application got rejected 5 times. 5 freaking times.
TEDx organizer applications are not short and easy. They take an immense amount of thought and effort. The first 2 times, I guess I didn’t really care that much. My ego was hurt for sure because I’ve never been rejected THAT many times for anything before, but it still didn’t kill me because hosting and organizing was not a burning passion of mine.
After the third rejection, I don’t know if I became more engrossed in the event than I was originally, but it hurt. It hurt a lot. I was thinking of giving up. I was over it. I was sick of it, but then I realized I really really really wanted it. I wanted to host and organize the first ever TEDx event in my town and talk about mental health openly.
I started to completely involve myself in re-building the TEDx application. I went to bed picturing myself on the stage, hosting and anchoring the event with professional cut-outs of “TEDxYouth@ConinesMillPond” in the back. I would be in the middle of school and would suddenly get an idea for a theme or venue or speaker and would immediately ask the teacher to use the restroom, but in reality would go to my locker and jot down the idea. I was constantly thinking about the event and picturing myself IN the event. Took 5 tries, but it happened folks: I got accepted!
The Universe obviously listened. It didn’t react as fast as I would have liked it to, but there’s definitely a reason for that too: it wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure that this was what I wanted to do.
Patience my friend. Patience.
In her post, Kelsey says “the Universe wouldn’t plant an idea or inspiration in your head that it could not achieve for you.”
PREACH! If you believe and want something so much, then there’s obviously a reason you got the idea to believe and want it! So, be patient and let the Universe do its thing.
Implement the chemistry concept of “like dissolves like” into your life.
Your “manifestation powers” are not going to immediately give you what you want because “your energy has to match that of what you are asking for in order for it to come anywhere near you.”
Just like how “like dissolves like” in chemistry with the solvents and solutes, what you want will only appear to you if your energy vibes with what you want.
All of us have days when we really want something. For example, a close person to me really wanted to pursue a PhD. She talked about it for a couple months and was passionate about it, but there was always some hesitation. After really contemplating if gaining a PhD was what she truly wanted, she realized that she wanted to pursue a PhD not for herself, but in fact, for her family- to prove them a point.
Yes, she really wanted that PhD for a little time, but her “energy” was not at the same capacity as what she asked the Universe for.
Stop, Drop, & Be Content
Kelsey mentions that “you have to be in a place of nonresistance in order to receive your manifestation.”
Nonresistance means at peace with yourself.This can be done differently for everyone. For me, it’s running in the mornings. I find that when I run in the mornings, long before my whole house wakes up, I am more zen and aware of my thoughts and actions throughout the course of the day. For others, this might mean doing some yoga or meditation, painting, driving, praying, etc.
This works because “when you stop thought you are open and connected to the Universe.”
Constantly opt for thoughts, people, and things that will increase your “energy”
Increasing your energy will match it with the Universe’s and you will be that much closer to gaining your manifestation.
This process of practicing manifesting may also throw you down a path of honing in on the toxicity in your life and disposing it.
This toxic energy can come from objects as well as people. Dispose of the objects. Maintain a distance with the people.
Wanna know a little secret? I manifested the idea of creating a non-profit and having a website for the longest time- 3 years to be exact!
Try manifesting. Give it time and really choose the high energy path. Immerse yourself in your new visions and ideas. Give the Universe time to reply.
For more detailed and expert steps on manifestation, be sure to check out Kelsey Aida’s Website!