It’s 2023 and I am 38 coffees in, with 3 more already lined up bringing me to 41 within the first quarter of the year.
2 whole years later, we’re finally getting closer to the magic number: 50. Thus, I wanted to do some reflecting.
I started Fifty Coffees, inspired by Lindsay Ratowsky’s blog, to push myself out of my comfort zone and start meeting/re-connecting with people in my life. It was a project that I began for myself. However, this project has now evolved into something that is much bigger than me. I now see Fifty Coffees as a medium for allowing me to share people’s stories with all of you.
I realized that somewhere along the line the project’s purpose changed from me trying to figure out my life to me trying to help others understand that every person has a story and every person deserves for their stories, lessons, and experiences to be heard.
This project has also given me the chance to build more intimate connections right off the bat. Spending an hour of intentional time debriefing each other on life and being utterly comfortable with vulnerability immediately peels away the superficial layer that most relationships start with.
Finally, I found that going on these coffee dates, talking to these precious souls, and then writing about them is actually one of the few things in life that brings me consistent amounts of joy. It’s a little self-care project!
I realize that it is now February 2023, and it has almost been 2 years since I’ve created this epic space and have catapulted myself back into the writing world.
I wanted to take a moment to appreciate all of you. Though this space is mostly for my inner thoughts to make their way out into the world, I’ve grown to love all of your comments, appreciation, and conversations. Ya’ll make me feel like whatever small amount I’m contributing is enough, so thank you <3.
In addition, I wanted to make a list for what to expect this year. Throughout my 38 conversations with my coffee dates and a plethora of other experiences, I’ve evolved and feel much more changed from the person I was back in 2020. Every time I put something out here, it helps me hold myself accountable, so here it goes.
I want to have more wholesome conversations with people from different backgrounds & perspectives. I learned that I absolutely love connecting with people in the most unexpected ways and speaking from the heart right off the bat (shoutout to the counselors and boys at Bal Ashram for helping me realize this!)
I want to jump onto new opportunities and not hold myself back. If I have the mental energy, I want to go after things if and when they come to me because change is the only constant in life.
Find a more creative voice and act on those creative passions. Starting this blog was my first step into using my creative voice. I think I’m now ready for the next steps. I have a few ideas that I’ve been ruminating about for quite some time now, so 2023 may be that year where I actually bring all of those little creations to life.
50 coffees?! It is actually insane to me that I only have 12 more coffees to go to hit that 50 coffee mark (I’ll definitely probably make this an ongoing project, but hitting 50 after almost two years will feel incredibly fulfilling).
Those of you who have been here a while know that I am a podcast fanatic. I have recently been hooked to Meghan Markle’s Archetypes, which dissects and explores the tropes and labels that have been or are still used to hold women back.
In her recent episode, Meghan sat down with Andy Cohen, Executive Producer of the Real Housewives franchise. Andy mentioned in the episode that one woman in the Real Housewives franchise wanted to use the b-word in her tagline. The word was not approved, however, Andy mentioned that the woman did make her case for why she does not feel offended by the use of that word. On the other hand, Meghan analyzed the b-word and how it was used to belittle women in the past during one of her previous episodes. She was shocked to hear that people from the current generation don’t mind the b-word because it’s used so often. Some also claimed that the b-word is easier to bear compared to all the other words/labels being thrown around today.
I was first introduced to the b-word in elementary school. In fact, I was considered to be one of the “late users” of the word. I didn’t begin using it until around eighth grade because at that point I had heard all of my fellow classmates use it so regularly, so obviously my 14-year-old self adapted to her social environment.
Here’s a confession: Today, I tend to use this word more often and with many of my friends. The b-word is a common vocabulary term that we use to sometimes greet each other, express anger, describe something, etc. However, I don’t think many of us realize that there is such a deep-rooted sexist history to the word. Thus, hearing Meghan Markle describe the b-word as a demeaning label for women was a shock to me, prompting me to research all about it.
what does it mean.
A “bitch” supposedly means a female dog. I’m not sure if this was common knowledge or not, but I simply had no idea or I was just oblivious to the fact that there is an actual definition of this word in the dictionary.
a quick history lesson.
The use of the b-word originates back to the 1400s (Hodgson, 2008). Apparently, calling a woman a b**** was used to accuse her of “being worse than a prostitute because at least a prostitute stood to gain financially from the broad distribution of her sexual favors” (Hodgson, 2008). Let’s pause really quick.Coffee date #5 is a strong advocate for substituting the word ‘prostitute’ with ‘sex workers’ or ‘sex professionals’ because it accepts/validates their labor. Therefore, it is crucial to note that the b-word is seen as something worse than, yet another, sexist, belittling label.
There’s also a link to the b-word and the Greek Gods. Supposedly, the Greek goddess Artemis-Diana, who was the goddess of the hunt, was often depicted as being in the presence of dogs. To spread Christianity and suppress the idea of a female being idolized, Christian Europe used the phrase ‘son of a bitch’ to criticize those who believed in Artemis-Diana (Kleinman et al., 2009). Therefore, this showed that the term ‘bitch’ was used to eradicate images of powerful and capable women by “equating them with sexually depraved beasts” (Kleinman et al., 2009).
why it is used.
Kleinman et al. states that “feminists analyzed that preference [the need to use ‘bitch’ over any male-associated terms, such as ‘jerk’ or ‘dickhead’] as internalized oppression, whereby members of an oppressed group learn to enjoy using the dominant group’s term for them” (2009). *jaw dropped. eyes bulged. gasped for a hot second.*
how it is used.
As mentioned previously, my friends and I tend to use this word nonchalantly. Some of us even use it to describe objects or events. For instance, let’s say we take an incredibly hard exam. Many might say that that “exam was a real bitch.” Others who still struggled through the exam, but felt that they did well might say “I bent that test over and made it my bitch” (these example quotes were taken from the Kleinman et al. paper).
In the former example, the b-word is being associated with “difficult” – yet another label often used to belittle women. In the latter example, the b-word is being associated with something that can be controlled, dominated, or conquered (Kleinman et al., 2009). And for how long have women been controlled and dominated in our largely patriarchal world?
Therefore, the paper noted that using the b-word over any other terms associated with men or masculinity (for example, people rarely say ‘that exam was a real jerk‘) to describe objects is further indicates just how abusive the b-word is towards women and how its use is fueling sexism.
The b-word is also often used in the political space, especially during heated debates and in media articles. During the 2008 primaries in the United States, Sarah Palin was supposedly “viewed as emasculating John McCain, who was then labeled a “bitch” in a comedic YouTube clip titled, “Is McCain Palin’s Bitch?”” (LisaNova, 2008). The fact the b-word was being used to describe a man, a white man nonetheless, immediately displays that its purpose was to ’emasculate’ him. It was also intended to insult the man for allowing himself to be dominated by a woman *insert dramatic eye roll* (Kleinman et al., 2009).
the conclusion.
Honestly, Kleinman et al.’s paper Reclaiming Critical Analysis: The Social Harms of “Bitch” has been incredibly insightful and eye-opening (2009). It shed light on exactly why the b-word is so offensive and why Meghan Markle was so confused as to why this term is such a normal part of millennial vocabulary.
Words hold so much power. They can be healing, grounding, and therapeutic. Yet they can also be sexist, demeaning, and continue to fuel all the labels and stereotypes attributed to different genders, races, classes, and people in general. Thus, we must choose our words carefully and accept it when we are oblivious to terms that are harmful and degrading. From acceptance, we must move towards change and that change can stem from something as simple as conscientiously removing such terms from our vocabulary.
Here are some other related articles and resources I found for any of you interested folks:
Use of the word “bitch” surged after women’s suffrage (Zhou, 2020)
I freaking love that I was born in the 21st century and have access to technology. Specifically, I love that I have access to my cell phone. I do so much on my phone – from taking pictures, setting up calendar notifications, replying to emails, scrolling through Instagram, posting my BeReals, etc.
Most of the time I’m beating myself up over the fact that I spend so much freaking time on my phone (during one college seminar, I was told that research says that we should only be spending 30 minutes a day on our phones. please 😭 I could never). However, those once-in-a-blue-moon days I have someone, who I haven’t spoken to in ages, text me and say “hey! how are you? i was thinking we can grab some brunch or coffee one day when you’re free?” I become ecstatic.
Envision an extremely cheesy and smiley teddy bear running around in circles. That’s me when I receive those kinda texts. It’s the fact that someone thought of me and they wanted to take their precious time out of their day to share that time with me that gets me so senti and amped up.
This is exactly why I am so obsessed with my fifty coffees because it’s usually one of those people that reaches out months later. This shows me that spending that intentional time with people makes them feel seen and valued, so they will always (or oftentimes) try to make space for that intentional time again and again.
This is your sign to text that person you’ve been meaning to text, but life kept getting in the way, that you wanna hang with them and grab a cup of coffee (or a beverage/meal of your choice). Go. Do it. Send me (on IG: @_esha.kode_) a picture of that text (if you feel like it) because I would love to see these authentic & raw connections that we’re building with each other!
There’s a familiar lump in my throat and weird squiggles in my stomach as I am writing this post. The content in this post has been largely unspoken about or said to any of my friends or family. Thus, knowing that once I finish, I’ll hit the “Publish” button is absolutely terrifying.
This post is about a colored person’s insecurities.
The insecurities that arise when you’re in a public place, such as your workplace, and you start having pounding palpitations when it’s time to open your Tupperware because you’re worried that the smell of the warm, cozy rasam rice will ‘offend’ the white folks near you.
The insecurities that arise when you’re at a restaurant with your white friends and you notice how their body language is different from yours, so you change yourself. You notice the perfect angle at which they placed their napkins on their lap, so you abide by the same ‘rules.’ You notice their eloquent nature when using a knife and fork, and force yourself to not use your hands to eat that taco.
The insecurities that arise when one of your white colleagues asks to see your Spotify because you’re almost embarrassed that your Spotify is only filled with ‘brown’ music.
The insecurities that arise when you pronounce a word wrong and fall deep into a pit assuming that the white people around you will ultimately blame your color and ancestral origin for your failed attempt at pronouncing a word the ‘American way.’
It’s as if the country expects you to erase your non-American culture and only embrace the American culture.
It’s suffocating.
These insecurities can be largely subconscious or conscious for many of us. For others, the lucky few, these insecurities simply may not exist.
The point is though that the burden to acclimate to the environment and society is placed on colored people. Instead, there should be no such burden. People, specifically white people, should be educated about the way colored people MAY feel around them and it is naturally their duty to ensure that they do not continue to uphold such stereotypical notions and ideas of minority groups.
For the longest time I thought it was my fault that I wasn’t as comfortable around white people as I was around colored people.
“It wasn’t until I was in PoC-only spaces that I realized how much of myself I had cut off to fit into white culture,” one person of color in Shambhala recently told me. “So being in PoC spaces allows me to reclaim those forgotten parts of myself.” – Citation
Thank God for the way media has allowed for more space amongst marginalized communities. Organizations and companies like Live Tinted are changing the face of diversity in the U.S. and knowing that children are growing up during such a revolutionary time is encouraging and comforting.
The other day a doctor I was working with said to me:
“Many people don’t know what their purpose is, so they make their work their purpose.”
This stuck with me.
I thought anyone’s purpose would be embedded within their work because, at least for those of us who are privileged enough, they will choose to enter a profession that brings them the utmost joy and value. Becoming a surgeon has been my ‘purpose’ for over a decade, and that’s because I believe that this profession will enable me to build on my strongly held values, such as service and compassion.
However, when a doctor said that to me, I was forced to stop and reflect. If work isn’t my purpose, then what is? How do I find it?
The doctor was talking about how we, as students, should not take academics as seriously as we do being premeds and even as we grow older. This is because he believes that work should never engulf one’s entire life.
I agree with this wholeheartedly, however, I have a slight problem. I can’t even envision myself as having any other purpose. I don’t want my purpose to be limited to family, friends, or any one sector of my life. I want it to be more, and being a medical professional fulfils that desire for me.
Because I was so deep in confusion over what my purpose would be if I can’t rely on my future profession, I googled how we can find out our purposes.
According to Richard Leider, who is “a nationally-ranked coach and purpose expert…the equation for purpose is G + P + V = P.” (gifts + passions + values = purpose)
Let’s break this up.
Gifts
I’m not sure what my gifts are yet, but I’m sure I’ll discover them as I progress further.
Passions
My passions are deeply rooted in service, specifically in helping & advocating for children and mental health rights. I am also passionate about the performing arts. As a dancer and someone who grew up watching way too many Telugu/Hindi movies, I believe the performing arts has the ability to change one’s perspective on various occurrences within our world.
Values
This one is tough to reflect on as I have never actually sat down and thought about them.
Using the list from this website, I would say that these are my current values that I hold very dear to me:
family-orientedness
leadership
service
self-actualization
Purpose
Combining all three of these aspects, I would ideally find my purpose. However, we know that discovering what we truly want in life is not as simple as cracking down on an equation. I feel like our purpose can only be found by either experiencing a lot in life or by having a life-changing experience.
And maybe we don’t need to settle with having just one purpose. Maybe we’ll have more than one purpose and that’s okay. Maybe we won’t discover our purpose(s) until we take our final breaths and that’s okay too. And maybe one’s profession does become their purpose, while for others it’s just something that they’re passionate about but it’s not their true calling. It’s our life and we get to shape it in whatever we want to.
My Dad is currently in India on a work trip. When he calls me to check-in, he often asks “What are you doing? What are you up to?”
My go-to reply, with actually anyone who asks a similar question, is “Nothing.”
However, I’m never actually doing ‘nothing’ because doing ‘nothing’ starkly goes against the American Dream: the idea that one must keep hustling in order to achieve their goals and dreams. Doing ‘nothing’ is also terrifying because then that means all the thoughts that I’ve locked away can come back – with full force. Thinking about those thoughts is emotionally draining, so the best solution would be to just go-go-go.
Once you’ve been go-go-go-ing for quite some time, you start to notice how depleted and overloaded you feel. Many define this as ‘burnout.’ A lot of people (and information on the Internet) claim that the cure to burnout is to do things that bring joy. The thing is, though, many people actively schedule those joyful things into their day-to-day lives. The act of scheduling joy may be helpful for some, but I found that it was actually more detrimental for me.
“According to the Western perspective, filling every moment with “value added” activities is a sign of virtue and significance….The archetype of the virtuously over-busy person is so ingrained in our societal mind-set that it takes strong language to knock it loose.” – Martha Beck
When I schedule joy, I start to look at joy as a task that I need to check off. For example, let’s say I schedule “write a blog post at 2:00pm.” Writing and posting on this site is one of my creative passions that brings me lots of joy. However, it only brings me joy when it’s not a structured part of my life. Therefore, when I try to structure this passion of mine into my day-to-day To-Do list, I found that I actually begin to not like writing as much as I used to.
The key to prevent such backward healing is to schedule ’empty time.’
“Empty time is a powerful medicine that can make us more joyful and resilient, but it’s strangely hard to swallow.” – Martha Beck
Schedule ’empty time’ into your calendars. Do not title that block of time with anything – just write ’empty time.’ When you reach that period of time, then decide what you want to do. Do you want to just sit on your ass and stare at the walls? Do you want to journal all your crippling thoughts? Do you want to go out for lunch with your best friend? Do you want to go downstairs and chat with your family? Decide what to do in that moment. Lean in to the things that feel like home. For someone who likes to be in control and plans everything well in advance, this idea of being spontaneous during her ’empty time’ is an uncomfortable, but refreshing feeling.
Martha Beck does an incredible job of conveying the importance of having empty time here.
i struggle to say the the words that hold such deep meaning in our world. i feel the feelings associated with those three words and yet the war inside my head ultimately prevents me from verbalizing those feelings. but, i feel it all and i love it all and i want to share it all.
“i love you” is beautiful. it’s a phrase that eloquently puts into words the feelings that twist and flutter our hearts. it’s a phrase that can break someone out of their trance and make them believe that they are enough. it’s a phrase that makes one feel protected.
it’s a phrase used for all kinds of relationships.
the “i love you”friendship: it’s meant for the friends who make us feel seen. the ones who will run to you when you’re in agonizing pain. the ones who will slap your face to bring you back to the world of the living. the ones who will force themselves to lie down next to you and not feel the need to fill the silence. the friends who are by no means ‘clingy’ – they are the ones who care. it is when you encounter friends like this that you have to compile all your emotions for that person in the most meaningful way possible and say “i love you” for who they are, for how they are, and for who they make you become.
the “i love you” romantic relationship: it’s meant for the partner(s) who makes our hearts a bit fluttery. it might take a minute to notice our hearts skipping some beats, feeling warm & fuzzy, and causing our bodies and souls to feel whole. it’s meant for the one who accepts you – completely and utterly. the partner who never ever judges you for your ever changing appearance and the one who stays no matter how much your appearance does and will change. it’s meant for the partner that makes you feel like your ambitions and hard work matter. it’s that partner who deserves the “i love you” because it is impossible to say anything else that can perfectly encapsulate everything that you’re feeling.
the “i love you” family: it’s meant for the familial members who are on a life-long learning path. the members who never judge you for who you are and how you have evolved. it’s meant for the members who are there when you’re rich and there when you’re poor. it’s for the members who make you feel rich with emotions and generosity. it’s meant for the members who let you live the way you need to live. these members will be by your side until your very last breath. say it to them. tell them “i love you.”
“i love you” is powerful, bold, and authentic.
“i love you” is not discriminatory, prejudiced, or racist.
In all honesty, I was terrified to draft and publish this blog post because it’s forcing me to write down and reflect on my CURRENT thoughts. All my other posts are generally things that I’ve dealt with and thought about in the past, so it’s easier to reflect because I moved past that stage already. This topic, on the other hand, seems to always be a part of me no matter how hard I try to move past it. Thus, I was prompted to draft this post because I’ve been feeling this way since the beginning of this year. I hope it resonates with those of you who feel a similar way.
TW: body image issues, eating disorders
To begin, my first exposure to the Eurocentric ideas of a woman’s body began in eighth grade (which is, unfortunately, extremely late compared to children today). Up until eighth grade, I ate whatever and whenever I wanted to. I balanced nutritious food with possibly less nutritious food. I didn’t spend so much time thinking about food, my body, or anything related to my appearance.
Once in eighth grade, my athletic friends began to speak about how they have to go for a run to burn the calories from their unhealthy lunch or my aunts would comment on my supposedly ‘large love handles’ or I’d only see certain types of bodies being represented on TV shows I’d watch. Being around such stimuli began my so-called ‘fitness journey.’
I’d stop eating an actual meal during lunch and would rely on a pack of spicy Doritos or an ice cream bar to sustain me throughout the day. Once I came home at 4:00pm, instead of feeding my starving body, I’d force myself to run 2 miles on the treadmill nearly every day. On the days I skipped the running, I’d brutally criticize myself and would even sometimes punish myself by not eating dinner. When my mother would ask or try to force me to eat, I’d brilliantly win our arguments and claim that I was full and could not eat anything.
This same mindset trickled into my freshman year of high school. I’d eat an ice cream bar for lunch and proceed to go home and run a couple miles on the treadmill. Starting sophomore year, I started sharing my lunches with my friends, which worked out better for me because I was actually eating proper meals (chicken tenders, french toast, wraps, etc.). However, I kept trying to run every day.
Moving onto junior year of high school, the first few months I’d wake up at 4:45am to go to the gym with my dad. I’d do some cardio and abs while my dad did his own routine. We’d make it back home by 6:00, and then I’d stuff my face with some breakfast and hop on the bus to go to school. Though this time of my life taught me how to set a disciplined routine, I wasn’t able to stick with it for a long time because I was getting so drained while at school. I still remained pretty inconsistent with my ‘workouts’ during this phase.
Starting senior year, I was sick of my inconsistent running and bored of doing the same thing all the time and still seeing no results. That’s when I began getting more involved with fitness. I added some resistance training, Youtube workouts, and attempted to eat ‘healthier.’ I believe this is when I started to become more strict with labeling food as being either ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ Therefore, my body image was still nowhere near perfect because I’d continue to get tempted and eat the ‘bad’ food. I’d binge on food and would proceed to absolutely hate myself and my decision making after.
Finally in August 2020, during the pandemic, I begged and convinced my mom to get me a personal trainer. My trainer’s name was Harrison James and he singlehandedly changed my life. He changed my perception of food, fitness, and bodies. I spent a year training with him for about 3-4 times a week and that will forever be one the most important and life-changing parts of my life.
He taught me that food is fuel. Food is essential to ensure our bodies function the way they’re supposed to. Most importantly, he taught me to eat until I was actually full. Before, I used to eat for the sake of eating or not eat anything at all. With Harrison, I began eating 3-4 eggs every day for breakfast, added more brown rice for lunch, drank a smoothie every day, AND also continued eating the ‘bad food’ when I wanted to. My labeling of food began to dissipate. I ate until I was full and that was such a unique and satisfying feeling.
Harrison also taught me that fitness is not about becoming skinny. It’s about feeling strong. Before, my goal was to look like a stick. With Harrison, my goal became to tone up my body to be able to survive my days for a longer period of time, lift things with more ease, and overall, appear to have a bigger personality so that I could radiate my confidence better.
Unfortunately, once in-person college began, I could no longer continue training with him. Therefore, I transitioned to working out in my college dorm room throughout the fall semester. I would say that I was consistent enough and also maintained a pretty balanced diet.
It’s when spring semester began that I started to revert back to pre-personal trainer days. I became so much busier with extra-curriculars, academics, and social events that I no longer had the time or energy to workout or eat with as much balance as I used to. I was eating random food at random times, sleeping at wack times, barely working out. Even when I did workout, I’d get tired so much more easily and lacked the normal amount of motivation that I used to have. I noticed how my body changed (and in my eyes, it was not in a good way). I’d spend so much time thinking about my food consumption and waste so much more time hating myself for the way I looked.
At the time of me writing this post, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin because I’ve spent years trying to undo the damage that I and society have caused to it. However, I’m in this constant seesaw battle where I hate the way I look, BUT I also hate that I’m reverting back to defining myself based on my appearance. I want to go back to the times when I would be able to consistently work out because my goal, at the time, was to feel strong and release those endorphins. I was not focused on getting chiseled and looking a certain way. I want to go back to the time I could eat whatever I want and still respect my skin, my body, and myself. I want to go back, but in order to do so, I need to move forward and understand that bodies change. Bodies change so much throughout a single day, so imagine how much they’ll change throughout the years.
Camila Cabello does a much better job of putting my exact feelings into words here:
I want to end this reflection with a note to myself and all of you:
Let’s work tirelessly to replace all of the teachings of our patriarchal world. Let’s just be kind to our strong, beautiful, curvy bodies. Let’s not let anyone (including our parents, best friends, significant others, and anyone else) make us feel as though we are only defined by the way we look. Let’s give ourselves as much permission as needed to eat – whatever we need to fuel our bodies. Let’s make a vow to ourselves to seek for resources to help us heal because we are worthy of healing. Let’s love and allow ourselves to be loved. ❤️
It was my birthday on April 8th. I just turned 20 and I’m still feeling a bit lost and unworthy of a lot of things. New insecurities have manifested, some of the old ones are still present. It’s a work in progress.
I opened my email today and found this note I wrote to myself on my 19th birthday to give to my future 20 year old self. It warmed my soul <3.
Esha Kode 