It’s 2023 and I am 38 coffees in, with 3 more already lined up bringing me to 41 within the first quarter of the year.
2 whole years later, we’re finally getting closer to the magic number: 50. Thus, I wanted to do some reflecting.
I started Fifty Coffees, inspired by Lindsay Ratowsky’s blog, to push myself out of my comfort zone and start meeting/re-connecting with people in my life. It was a project that I began for myself. However, this project has now evolved into something that is much bigger than me. I now see Fifty Coffees as a medium for allowing me to share people’s stories with all of you.
I realized that somewhere along the line the project’s purpose changed from me trying to figure out my life to me trying to help others understand that every person has a story and every person deserves for their stories, lessons, and experiences to be heard.
This project has also given me the chance to build more intimate connections right off the bat. Spending an hour of intentional time debriefing each other on life and being utterly comfortable with vulnerability immediately peels away the superficial layer that most relationships start with.
Finally, I found that going on these coffee dates, talking to these precious souls, and then writing about them is actually one of the few things in life that brings me consistent amounts of joy. It’s a little self-care project!
In February 2021, I started a new job as an Emergency Department medical scribe. I love medicine – specifically, surgery. Thus, I wanted to do something that would give me exposure to such a breathtaking field.
The hospital I worked at at that time was draining, to say the least. Providers were seeing nearly 30 patients every day, meaning I had to write almost 30 patient charts every time. Every one in that hospital was severely burnt out and didn’t know how to cope with the overwhelming amount of pressure. My shifts ruined my very disciplined and rigid routines as I would work 3pm-1am, 9pm-7am, 11am-11pm, etc. My sleep schedule, eating schedule, working schedule – everything – was altered. I began to internalize every comment or attituded remark made by the people working in that hospital.
This experience honestly affected my perception of medicine and I decided to leave the job once in-person classes began.
Here I am, a year later. I am now, once again, trained to be an Emergency Department medical scribe and I now work at a different hospital.
I started over.
I was terrified in the beginning when I first entered this new hospital because what if this hospital is the same as the previous one? What if it’s not the providers, it’s me? What if I am not made for the rigors of medicine?
Fortunately, this hospital was vastly different. People were still burnt out (as this is a major problem in the healthcare field), but they do not project their inner feelings onto those around them. It’s crucial to note that it was totally okay for the previous hospital’s providers to express their dissatisfaction with their job and life, in general. However, I was unable to disassociate from such statements and vibes of the hospital.
The point is, I was scared to start over. I was scared to train all over again for a job I was already experienced in. I was scared to interact and cultivate relationships with new people. I was scared of change.
Change is good. Change teaches us new things. Change gives us new perspectives. Change must be welcomed more.
In a world where technology is so prevalent and social connection is no longer of utmost priority, I’m amazed that I was able to connect with 25 people to talk about our lives. 2021 was one of the most enriching and soulful years I’ve had yet solely because of this project.
Here are some of my thoughts so far:
I’m actively trying to incorporate some of the lessons I’ve learned from these dates into my own life. For example, coffee date #15 talked about the importance of saying no in college. Last semester, I used his wisdom to prevent myself from staying up incredibly late just to finish one homework assignment. There were many times where I put my overall well being before academics because our lives are so much more than the letter grades we receive.
I’ve become more spontaneous. This is in part due to coffee date #25. Being more spontaneous also helped me take more risks. A few months ago, I decided that I wanted to become a licensed pilot. I even flew a plane for the first time ever and was absolutely in love!
I learned that humans are truly three-dimensional beings. There are SO MANY authentic layers behind every single one of my coffee dates, and to think that I would not have figured that out if I hadn’t sat down with them for a date. 🙈
Some lingering questions/future directions:
Do I stop at 50 or do I keep going?
I need to do a better job at implementing some of the things that the coffee dates have told me.
I should keep in touch (as much as possible) with these dates after we had our dates.
Should I only do coffee dates with people I know?
Thank you for coming on this journey with me. We have one more year to go – 25 more dates to go – and I’m ecstatic to share everyone’s incredible personalities with you all! I may or may not have another project idea in mind after I complete my dates, soooo stay tuned for that 🥰
Life got real tough as soon as in-person college began. It was a huge shock to my past regular and monotonous routine that I had created. I caught myself getting so tangled in the idea of the possibility of not getting into a good medical school because of the plethora of things that I kept telling myself that I lacked.
I then reminded myself of my purpose: to serve and heal as a surgeon.
I freaking love the Operating Room (OR). I fell in love with it since the first time I entered it when I shadowed a pediatric surgeon. It is breathtakingly beautiful how people from so many different fields work together in such an immaculate way as they open up a human body to restore. The human body was never meant to be opened up, fixed, and then closed up again! It’s jaw dropping.
I realize that me thinking solely about my med school trajectory is so superficial. I’ll burnout so much faster if I focus on that, when instead, I could focus on the purpose.
When I say “envision your purpose,” I mean envision. Truly just picture yourself doing what you’re so very passionate about.
I close my eyes. I see myself wearing dark blue scrubs and a hair net. I feel tiny goosebumps on my arms because I assume that the OR is always cold. I see my surgical team speaking to me as we have a patient laying on the operating table. I can feel my heart racing a tiny bit so as to signal to me that what I am doing is extraordinary. I feel the incisions I make and hear my mind telling me that this patient is going to be just fine.
Watching documentaries helps me envision to an even greater detail. Netflix’s A Surgeon’s Cut has further propelled me into the world of surgery. I watch that documentary every time I spiral and think about the superficial BS.
Here’s a little note I wrote for myself a couple days ago when I was flipping shit and thought I was “falling behind.” It now sits right on my desk, so that I can look at it almost every day. 🙂
The essence of this post is to remind myself and all of you that yes, it is good to take it one day at a time and live in the present moment. However, sometimes when we do that, we hang onto every little detail. This is why sometimes we just need to free ourselves and envision our greatest vision for ourselves. This will elevate us into a different mental dimension and will hopefully allow us to recenter.
I made the decision to catapult into the world of meditation on July 5th, 2021.
Here’s what I wrote on that day:
“So, I am going to TRY to do the Isha Kriya meditation at least once every day and we’ll see if I am able to keep this up for 3 months.
My goal in catapulting myself into the world of meditation is to learn to think and feel broader than the boundaries set by my mind and body. I don’t think meditation will “cure” my anxious thoughts, but I do think it will help me become more aware and better at coping with them.”
Oh boy, I most definitely did not meditate once every day. Some days I straight up just forgot. Other days I got incredibly anxious that I’d have to sit down for 15 minutes and possibly fall off schedule, so I prioritized work over meditation (which is so terribly wrong because mental health comes before anything else!). There was also a week in July where I went to Florida for vacation and so, I did not make the time to meditate even though I had more than enough time to do so!
However, I have been a lot more regular with my meditation since the last couple of weeks (though I still have missed a few days).
Here are some of the things that I’ve discovered during the course of my super early meditative practice:
My most effective meditations have been during the mornings. One day last week, I meditated at 5:30am and it was so freaking beautiful. Nature was in the phase of transforming to the daylight, but it was still trying to hide away from the light for as long as possible. And I just felt all of that energy as I sat down to meditate. Most days, I’ve been meditating at anywhere between 6:00-8:00am. I found that when I try to meditate at night, it is still a nice feeling, but I zone out a lot more easily compared to when I do it in the morning.
The meditation that I practice is Sadhguru’s Isha Kriya (linked below). This is broken up into 3 stages: breath work, sound, and music. During the breath work stage, you have to inhale when Sadhguru repeats “I am not the body” and exhale when he says “I am not even the mind.” This keeps tripping me up because at times I catch myself thinking “If I’m neither the body or mind, then what the hell am I?” I’d appreciate any answers for this question!!
I do think that I notice my anxious periods a lot more quickly after having done this meditation for a couple weeks now. However, I don’t know how to detach or stop myself from continuing to have those anxiety symptoms once I notice them. So, I guess I’m still working on that.
All in all, I am so far away from even tapping into a glimpse of what regular practice of meditation offers. However, the fact that I’m able to wake my ass up and take 15 minutes to sit in stillness in this fast-paced world already feels like a huge accomplished feat, so I’m going to cherish that.
I will continue to catapult into meditation and hopefully, one day will reach that point of ultimate enlightenment (will obviously keep ya’ll updated) 🙂
Life has been a whirlwind these past few months – especially since I’ve started my job as a medical scribe. My anxiety has peaked in ways never before, to the point where I struggle to sleep and work.
There have also been a lot of other things that I’ve been trying to complete. But as a perfectionist, I never feel satisfied and always feel like there is more to do, which inevitably leaves me feeling even more disappointed and fatigued.
I realized that I have immense ambitions that are underway and am excited about, but at the same time, I am identifying myself with these ambitions. More specifically, I am identifying myself with my thoughts.
Additionally, I’ve begun working out regularly for the past year and have started to eat more healthily in hopes of attaining my fitness goals. However, in this process, I’ve also started to identify with my body.
In essence, when we identify ourselves with our bodies and minds, we limit ourselves from experiencing life for what it is. This is still a concept that I’m trying to grasp because it still seems so unreal and existential, which is why I decided to embark on the Isha Kriya Meditation journey.
Sadhguru recommends that people do this meditation either twice a day for 48 days or once a day for 90 days. However, my life is so unpredictable at the moment and I don’t want to restrict myself with certain “deadlines” because that will simply cause me more anxiety.
So, I am going to TRY to do the Isha Kriya meditation at least once every day and we’ll see if I am able to keep this up for 3 months.
My goal in catapulting myself into the world of meditation is to learn to think and feel broader than the boundaries set by my mind and body. I don’t think meditation will “cure” my anxious thoughts, but I do think it will help me become more aware and better at coping with them.
I encourage you all to try this with me because then maybe we can connect together and discuss our spiritual findings after the 90 days are up 🙂
Reflecting back on all the conversations I’ve had with these 10 amazing people, I feel so grateful that I decided to embark on this journey.
6 Important Things I’ve Learned
Envy is an innate human trait that is impossible to not possess. It’s more beneficial to recognize the instances when we do feel envious and actively find a way – whether that be taking a second to be proud of yourself or exiting the app/location making you feel that – to cope with this emotion.
Perfection DOES NOT exist. Get it into your think head and listen to it. Despite what our society has embedded in us, claiming that productivity trumps emotional and physical well-being, YOU know better. YOU know that life is a compilation of many more factors than just how hard you’re working and how others perceive you. You’re better than that.
Confrontation is necessary….but only when the other person is worthy of your energy input.
Being vulnerable with others is the key to developing wholesome friendships and relationships. It is impossible and unfair to make others trust you with their life, but you won’t do the same for them.
No one has their shit together. No one is as perfect as they may make themselves seem online or in public. We all have struggles. We all have suffering. Embrace it and develop resilience. Seek help – whether that be in the form of talking to your friends, finding a therapist, or taking medications.
Discover your spiritual self. You never know, you might tap into your innermost euphoric self and discover a whole other meaning for life.
I truly feel so much more liberated, encouraged, and enlightened. Every person had something unique to offer me and I am forever thankful that they took the time to share their scariest vulnerabilities and deepest life lessons with me.
There were numerous times where I drove back home from a coffee date, and simply started tearing up with joy. The amount of exuberance, energy, and significant relief that I gain from each date and each person is extraordinary.
I love this so much and am even more ecstatic to continue bringing you all with me into these conversations!
With COVID-19 forcing us to remain isolated in our homes, I sought comfort in being alone and built a relationship with my own thoughts and feelings. Being restricted from social connections propelled me into a space of comforting loneliness to the point where it is an abominable hassle to interact with others.
Since September 2020, I have been reverting to the girl I was in 2016: insecure, self-conscious, and anxiety-ridden. These feelings only arise when I am forced to be in the presence of those I do not know, like being on ZOOM with my camera on for classes, having to participate in a discussion with everyone’s focus spotlighted on me, or even running errands that require social interaction. I don’t want to be haunted by these daunting feelings once again.
Confidence is a skill, which means it can be acquired over time. I taught myself confidence so that I could become the person I am today. Nonetheless, I am afraid that I’m falling back into that vicious cycle of feeling worthless and constantly judged. So I decided to embark on a journey.
This is Day 2 of my listening to Earl Nightingale’s “The Strangest Secret.”
“We become what we think about.” – Earl Nightingale
I have heard this often but not in the way that Mr. Nightingale describes. It is absolutely incredible that our thoughts are what govern our behavior, happiness, and success.
In psychology, those who believe that their life is a culmination of events that are out of their control and are governed by external stimuli are said to have an external locus of control. On the other hand, those who believe that they are in charge of their own life have an internal locus of control. It is evident that having an internal locus of control does far more good for us Homo sapiens than having an external one.An internal locus of control is only gained by controlling our thoughts because thoughts are what govern our body and mind to function harmoniously and blissfully.
We can only succeed (whatever “success” may mean to you) by progressively, or continuously, realizing that our goals have purpose and meaning. It is because of this idea that manifestation is so darn powerful. When we manifest, we think, imagine, and entangle ourselves in the life composed of our fulfilled goals. Because we become what we think about, it is inevitable that whatever we ask the universe for, we shall receive.
Therefore, in an effort to block out the noise from the external world and prevent myself from going down the path of insecurity and self-consciousness again, I am catapulting myself into starting Earl Nightingale’s 30 day test. There are only 5 main parts to this test:
Write down your clearly described goal on one side of an index card.
On the other side of the card, write the following: “Ask and it shall be given you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened.”
Block out the thoughts that plant worries in your mind because “worry brings fear.”
If you fail before the 30 days are up, meaning constant negative and toxic thoughts did make their way into your mind, then start the 30 days over again.
Listen to the above podcast multiple times throughout the week to constantly be refreshed and motivated.
I got my card ready and now all that remains is blocking out the potentially poisonous seeds that can contaminate my mind. Here it goes for my 30 days of growing self-confidence and psychological liberty 🙂
Esha Kode 