As I started to respond to texts from my friends and answer phone calls from my relatives, I began to feel an overwhelming amount of love. On a typical birthday, I kinda breeze through the day doing the same thing I did 2 days ago – reply to texts & answer phone calls. However, this year felt different. I feel whole.
I finally reached the point in my life where I am actively creating and cherishing relationships with people who matter the most to me. I am so in tune with my energy and monitor how high or low it gets when I am around people. This has been helping so freaking much when it comes to cultivating ‘heart-squishing’ relationships.
2023 just feels life changing for some reason. I have this gut feeling that this is the year where I will fully step into myself and allow myself to be human – the good, the bad, and the ugly that comes with being human.
I want to make wholesome memories, be warm towards my loved ones, and pursue the dreams that I was once afraid of even dreaming of.
I realize that it is now February 2023, and it has almost been 2 years since I’ve created this epic space and have catapulted myself back into the writing world.
I wanted to take a moment to appreciate all of you. Though this space is mostly for my inner thoughts to make their way out into the world, I’ve grown to love all of your comments, appreciation, and conversations. Ya’ll make me feel like whatever small amount I’m contributing is enough, so thank you <3.
In addition, I wanted to make a list for what to expect this year. Throughout my 38 conversations with my coffee dates and a plethora of other experiences, I’ve evolved and feel much more changed from the person I was back in 2020. Every time I put something out here, it helps me hold myself accountable, so here it goes.
I want to have more wholesome conversations with people from different backgrounds & perspectives. I learned that I absolutely love connecting with people in the most unexpected ways and speaking from the heart right off the bat (shoutout to the counselors and boys at Bal Ashram for helping me realize this!)
I want to jump onto new opportunities and not hold myself back. If I have the mental energy, I want to go after things if and when they come to me because change is the only constant in life.
Find a more creative voice and act on those creative passions. Starting this blog was my first step into using my creative voice. I think I’m now ready for the next steps. I have a few ideas that I’ve been ruminating about for quite some time now, so 2023 may be that year where I actually bring all of those little creations to life.
50 coffees?! It is actually insane to me that I only have 12 more coffees to go to hit that 50 coffee mark (I’ll definitely probably make this an ongoing project, but hitting 50 after almost two years will feel incredibly fulfilling).
It was my birthday on April 8th. I just turned 20 and I’m still feeling a bit lost and unworthy of a lot of things. New insecurities have manifested, some of the old ones are still present. It’s a work in progress.
I opened my email today and found this note I wrote to myself on my 19th birthday to give to my future 20 year old self. It warmed my soul <3.
It’s currently 9:06am. I just finished a sweaty workout and am sitting on my Yoga mat with my gross hair in a bun, listening to Too Young to Burn and simply just vibing.
It’s been a hell of a couple weeks ya’ll. I feel like I’ve been getting whipped by a belt for the past month with the amount of stuff that I had to do academically, socially, even emotionally.
Today was different though.
My alarm went off at 6:00am. I physically just was not in a position to wake up, so my alarm went off again at 6:15am. Could not get up again. Alarm went off at 6:30am. I was awake. At least I thought I was. But then I check my phone again and it’s 7:11am.
I had a moment of panic, but then I smiled. I smiled at the fact that I gave myself enough grace to just sleep. I haven’t done that in a while. It felt good to just give myself unconditional love and permission to rest. I gradually got up at 7:30am, did my morning routine, got my cup of coffee, and submitted an assignment.
And then I finally got a workout in. I forced myself to stop working and just sweat it out. I am immensely grateful that I listened to myself because I just feel so freaking rejuvenated right now. It may also have to do with the fact that I was listening to Dr. Santos’s podcast while working out. The episode on Guilt made me feel incredibly validated. Listening to something that brought joy to my soul while simultaneously sweating my ass off with Kayla Itsines’s workout ultimately made my morning so freaking amazing.
I’m happy. I’m glad I got some endorphins out. I’m elated that I was kind to myself this morning. Just a reminder for all of you to also do the same. It’s a nice feeling 🙂
You are okay. You are overwhelmed, but you are okay.
Your monotonous routine was suddenly bombarded by other factors and that has been the biggest source of anxiety for you. You have been unable to wake up at the dusk of dawn like you usually do. Your ability to work for hours on end has significantly decreased. You’re reverting back to the mindset of thinking that you are “falling behind.” It’s all of this and more that is scaring the living daylights out of you. You are okay.
Let me be your guiding light 💡
Rigid routines are just as anxiety provoking as not having a routine at all. Striking that balance is essential. You don’t regret any of your decisions when you prioritized your health and happiness. And if you do, you shouldn’t. Health and happiness should be strived for. They should never be second priority. It’s uncomfortable for you because you’re not used to it. But here you are, letting yourself try new things and feeling new feelings in 2022. Though you are now silently cursing yourself out for allowing so much work to pile up, remind yourself that this – “this” meaning the present moment – is a tiny tiny tiny drop in the vast ocean that is your life. Everything is so temporary. You are okay.
Let me also remind you that there is no such thing as “falling behind.” There are no ‘start’ and ‘finish’ lines in life. It’s just a wiggly and curvy path that only comes to an end when our biological selves decide to shut down. Up until that point, your only job is to navigate through that path at your own time and pace – free of comparison and full of an extreme amount of self-compassion.
In a world where technology is so prevalent and social connection is no longer of utmost priority, I’m amazed that I was able to connect with 25 people to talk about our lives. 2021 was one of the most enriching and soulful years I’ve had yet solely because of this project.
Here are some of my thoughts so far:
I’m actively trying to incorporate some of the lessons I’ve learned from these dates into my own life. For example, coffee date #15 talked about the importance of saying no in college. Last semester, I used his wisdom to prevent myself from staying up incredibly late just to finish one homework assignment. There were many times where I put my overall well being before academics because our lives are so much more than the letter grades we receive.
I’ve become more spontaneous. This is in part due to coffee date #25. Being more spontaneous also helped me take more risks. A few months ago, I decided that I wanted to become a licensed pilot. I even flew a plane for the first time ever and was absolutely in love!
I learned that humans are truly three-dimensional beings. There are SO MANY authentic layers behind every single one of my coffee dates, and to think that I would not have figured that out if I hadn’t sat down with them for a date. 🙈
Some lingering questions/future directions:
Do I stop at 50 or do I keep going?
I need to do a better job at implementing some of the things that the coffee dates have told me.
I should keep in touch (as much as possible) with these dates after we had our dates.
Should I only do coffee dates with people I know?
Thank you for coming on this journey with me. We have one more year to go – 25 more dates to go – and I’m ecstatic to share everyone’s incredible personalities with you all! I may or may not have another project idea in mind after I complete my dates, soooo stay tuned for that 🥰
Life has been a whirlwind these past few months – especially since I’ve started my job as a medical scribe. My anxiety has peaked in ways never before, to the point where I struggle to sleep and work.
There have also been a lot of other things that I’ve been trying to complete. But as a perfectionist, I never feel satisfied and always feel like there is more to do, which inevitably leaves me feeling even more disappointed and fatigued.
I realized that I have immense ambitions that are underway and am excited about, but at the same time, I am identifying myself with these ambitions. More specifically, I am identifying myself with my thoughts.
Additionally, I’ve begun working out regularly for the past year and have started to eat more healthily in hopes of attaining my fitness goals. However, in this process, I’ve also started to identify with my body.
In essence, when we identify ourselves with our bodies and minds, we limit ourselves from experiencing life for what it is. This is still a concept that I’m trying to grasp because it still seems so unreal and existential, which is why I decided to embark on the Isha Kriya Meditation journey.
Sadhguru recommends that people do this meditation either twice a day for 48 days or once a day for 90 days. However, my life is so unpredictable at the moment and I don’t want to restrict myself with certain “deadlines” because that will simply cause me more anxiety.
So, I am going to TRY to do the Isha Kriya meditation at least once every day and we’ll see if I am able to keep this up for 3 months.
My goal in catapulting myself into the world of meditation is to learn to think and feel broader than the boundaries set by my mind and body. I don’t think meditation will “cure” my anxious thoughts, but I do think it will help me become more aware and better at coping with them.
I encourage you all to try this with me because then maybe we can connect together and discuss our spiritual findings after the 90 days are up 🙂
With COVID-19 forcing us to remain isolated in our homes, I sought comfort in being alone and built a relationship with my own thoughts and feelings. Being restricted from social connections propelled me into a space of comforting loneliness to the point where it is an abominable hassle to interact with others.
Since September 2020, I have been reverting to the girl I was in 2016: insecure, self-conscious, and anxiety-ridden. These feelings only arise when I am forced to be in the presence of those I do not know, like being on ZOOM with my camera on for classes, having to participate in a discussion with everyone’s focus spotlighted on me, or even running errands that require social interaction. I don’t want to be haunted by these daunting feelings once again.
Confidence is a skill, which means it can be acquired over time. I taught myself confidence so that I could become the person I am today. Nonetheless, I am afraid that I’m falling back into that vicious cycle of feeling worthless and constantly judged. So I decided to embark on a journey.
This is Day 2 of my listening to Earl Nightingale’s “The Strangest Secret.”
“We become what we think about.” – Earl Nightingale
I have heard this often but not in the way that Mr. Nightingale describes. It is absolutely incredible that our thoughts are what govern our behavior, happiness, and success.
In psychology, those who believe that their life is a culmination of events that are out of their control and are governed by external stimuli are said to have an external locus of control. On the other hand, those who believe that they are in charge of their own life have an internal locus of control. It is evident that having an internal locus of control does far more good for us Homo sapiens than having an external one.An internal locus of control is only gained by controlling our thoughts because thoughts are what govern our body and mind to function harmoniously and blissfully.
We can only succeed (whatever “success” may mean to you) by progressively, or continuously, realizing that our goals have purpose and meaning. It is because of this idea that manifestation is so darn powerful. When we manifest, we think, imagine, and entangle ourselves in the life composed of our fulfilled goals. Because we become what we think about, it is inevitable that whatever we ask the universe for, we shall receive.
Therefore, in an effort to block out the noise from the external world and prevent myself from going down the path of insecurity and self-consciousness again, I am catapulting myself into starting Earl Nightingale’s 30 day test. There are only 5 main parts to this test:
Write down your clearly described goal on one side of an index card.
On the other side of the card, write the following: “Ask and it shall be given you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened.”
Block out the thoughts that plant worries in your mind because “worry brings fear.”
If you fail before the 30 days are up, meaning constant negative and toxic thoughts did make their way into your mind, then start the 30 days over again.
Listen to the above podcast multiple times throughout the week to constantly be refreshed and motivated.
I got my card ready and now all that remains is blocking out the potentially poisonous seeds that can contaminate my mind. Here it goes for my 30 days of growing self-confidence and psychological liberty 🙂
Esha Kode 