tw: death, cancer

• cancer is a fucking shit-show. i’ve begun to personify cancer – i see it as this big, powerful, monster that wreaks havoc on not just the patient, but every single person that that patient knows. it rips everything apart. it doesn’t rest even after you’ve given it boatloads of tears and prayers. and the worst of its kind is when they return after they’ve let the person feel victorious the first time around. it’s monstrous. atrocious.

• today, while talking to a 90 yo grandmother, i was reminded that we leave with absolutely nothing in this world. all that money, fame, validation, success, and even happiness that we chase in this rat race called life – none of it hugs us in our grave. we’re all people – equal people, fundamentally. but this world is so fucked yo, all this greed to be known, it’s killing our humanity.

• unconditional love, always. that’s the truest potential any of us can ever reach no? the ability to feel and give unconditional love? this is what it means to be human – to feel human. no amount of Gucci bags, job promotions, or social connections will allow us to reach our highest self. i’m not saying we should all just drop everything and go to the Himalayas and meditate. i’m saying we should recognize that every time we engage with such thoughts, purchases, and actions, we realize that these are just temporary things for our very temporary existence. unconditional love, on the other hand, is a very permanent thing that will last forever, even after our very temporary existence.

• it’s tricky being children and watching your parents die. what if they were never the parents that you needed them to be? were they abusive – physically or emotionally? were they parenting, but not meeting your own needs? suddenly, they have weeks left to live and you’re forced to chow down all that hatred, anger, and emptiness and be there for your parents. yet, you don’t know how to be there for them because they never showed you how they were there for you. how can you be something if you were never shown how to be it?

• “I hope this grief stays with me because it’s all the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her. And I told her every day.” – Andrew Garfield

We’ll call her “M.”

I only began visiting “M” about a month ago. I’d see her every Friday and we’d chat by her bedside. “M” was about a month shy of her 88th birthday. She passed away yesterday.

“M” was a vibrant soul. She was an aide in the past and worked overnight shifts in her local hospital, taking care of her patients.

She was diagnosed with progressive cancer.

“M” is the mother of 3 kids, has 9 grandchildren, and 11 great-grandchildren. She loves each and every single one of them.

“M” loved learning about my Indian culture and she adored the pictures I would show her of my family and me.

She repeatedly told me “Oh honey, you’re beautiful but make sure you focus on your studies. I know I sound like your mother, but still focus on your education first.”

“M” loved to get her nails painted and play Bingo.

She loved her nature walks outside and was a fan of the sun.

“M” showed me beautiful pictures of herself from her surprise birthday party. She was cheesin’ so hard in all of those pictures.

She would always say that I am going to make my parents proud when I go to medical school and become a doctor.

“M” and I would watch TV in her room and laugh at the people coming on to the show and wonder how they look similar to celebrities.

“M” was a radiating soul full of wholesome wisdom and energy. Thankful to have spent some time with her ❣️