coffee date #50 with esha kode

writer, sunrise/sunset lover, older sis of coffee date #13, manifesting-a-time-when-she-can-live-in-Denmark-for-a-while, coffee-holic

me: colombian roast black coffee
location: jersey city

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Many of my coffee dates have told me to have a date with myself for my 50th date, so here I am: sitting in the comfort of a secluded area in my home, by myself, sipping on some warm coffee, and writing…..about myself.

This feels weird. It feels like a diary entry, but this diary entry will be public so do I say everything I want to say or do I sugarcoat it to make it more appealing for the ‘audience’? Do I ask myself the same questions I ask my other dates? Do I write in the third person (🙈)? Naturally, it’s uncomfortable to force myself to reflect and think deeply about myself; it’s easier to guide other people to talk about themselves.

Writing this 50th date also feels bittersweet. We hit 50 coffees 🥺. I know that this is my project and it doesn’t necessarily have to end here, but just the fact that I was able to stick with this for almost over 2 years and follow through with it makes me feel fulfilled and incredibly rejuvenated.

I guess ya’ll are diving into my world now? Welcome :>

Diving into the world of Esha Kode….

Epiphanies

• baby Esha – who was she?

oooooo this one’s a tough one. I like asking many of my coffee dates to describe to me their childhood self. What were they like before the world finally caught up to them?

I loved having my picture taken. I posed with my hands crossed and gave my parents a nod, signaling to them that I was ready to get snapped at our bimonthly JC Penny photoshoots. Enjoy these baby photos of me looking like an absolute clown (the bald head one is embarrassing) because my parents were camera obsessed since I was their first child.

I was a very attached kid. I was attached at the hip with a select few of my cousins and never let my little brother out of my sight.

I recall being a mesmerized kid. I would watch my older cousins straighten their hair and put on makeup and would be in awe with how they just transformed themselves within the span of an hour.

I was a shy kid who hated performing for others, but would perform in the safety of her own bedroom. I’d pretend to be in some movie and dance my heart out in my room, but would shed loads of tears when my mom would force me to dance at family parties.

I found solace in other people’s homes and LOVED my sleepovers with my cousins.

• friendssssss

I must say that college taught me the MOST about relationships, both platonic and romantic.

Let’s talk platonic first.

All throughout primary and secondary schooling, I had several friends. My first ‘best friend’ was at the beginning-middle of middle school. She lived in a mansion 15 minutes away from me and would invite me over to swim in her indoor pool (yes, you read that right – she had a freaking indoor pool) and play with her insanely massive dog, Mack. Of course I loved swimming in her pool and playing with her dog, but later on, I realized that I loved going to her house all the time because I loved chatting with her parents, her brothers, her cousins, and a bunch of other family she’d have over. I loved that feeling of having a home filled with wholesome people – she let me in.

My next ‘best friend’ was at the middle-end of middle school. I would also go over to her house and we’d sit around, swim in her pool, prank call boys in our grade, play tag, etc. Again, I loved having another space to potentially call ‘home.’

Then came my high school ‘best friend.’ I truly thought this person would be my ride-or-die. Things happened, my values kicked in, and we drifted apart. However, I was still searching for a sense of home with her because I loved that her parents and brother knew who I was and I loved feeling like I was an addition to the family.

I naturally then became closer to this other girl. We’d FaceTime almost every day. This friendship ended solely due to college – we went our separate ways. However, she also felt like home – her house, sisters, parents, beach trips, late night FaceTimes.

At some point after this best friend, I had another best friend who wasn’t someone from school. We would text every single day, tell each other absolutely everything, and spend an ungodly amount of time together. The feeling of having someone, yet again, did feel good and made me feel whole. This relationship also quickly came to an end.

Then came Shivdaballer. Wow. Took me 19 years to find ‘the one.’ By the time Shivdaballer came around, I realized that I was turning to my platonic relationships to make me feel whole and provide me with a sense of family and belonging. But, as coffee date #46 said, no one can make you feel whole other than yourself.

Thus, having done some healing and having had experience with many ‘best friends,’ I guess I already knew what I was looking for in my platonic friendships. Though Shivdaballer entered my life rather unexpectedly, she was and is everything that I should have been looking for from the start.

Shivdaballer is someone who roots for you always and forever without a single ounce of jealousy. She makes you take the wildest life decisions, but at the same time will be at your side when shit hits the fan. She understands people so easily and knows exactly what to say in any given moment. She makes you know and realize that you are enough just as you are and you don’t need to change or be someone else to be accepted. This relationship, I know, will last a lifetime because there is simply no one like Shivdaballer.

Go find your own Shivdaballers everyone – trust me, they are worth it.

• all things love ❤

Along with platonic love, college also taught me A LOT about romantic love. Here are several of my learnings related to love:

1. There’s a difference between infatuation and love, and chemistry and compatibility. Infatuation and chemistry have to do with that first initial spark that we feel with someone during those initial few meetings. That spark can only last so long before love and compatibility kick in. Love is a choice that is built on compatibility, and compatibility is being able to be your most truest version of yourself in the presence of your partner(s) truest version of themselves. Are you in love with who your partner(s) is or are you in love with the idea of who your partner(s) can be? If you pick the latter, then it ain’t compatible. If you pick the former, then maybe you are compatible and choose to love.
2. (this is my personal belief) I want to fall in love with my best friend. I don’t want the kind of romantic relationship that zooms from the flirting phase to the ‘getting to know each other’ phase to the dating phase in the span of a month or two. I’ve been there and it doesn’t work for me – it may work for others. I want the slow relationship, where we truly get to know one another and become each other’s best friends and confidantes. With a relationship that is built on friendship comes a love that is engulfed with mutual respect.
3. I do not want to jump into a relationship without knowing myself first. In other words, I do not want to rely on someone else to make me feel whole. I want to be able to feel whole on my own and have my partner be an addition to my life – thank you coffee date #46. When we seek for our romantic relationships to fill a void we become so heavily dependent on them and I don’t want that kind of dependency.

• the parent-child relationship

Those who know me know that I am a die-hard fan of the SRK and Alia Bhatt movie Dear Zindagi. It’s literally permanently tattooed on my body.

There’s a part in the movie, where SRK (who plays the therapist) tells Alia Bhatt (the client) that we must not place our parents on pedestals because they too are imperfect people. *mind blown*

Growing up with deeply rooted Indian values, I was always told to be obedient to elders because “elders know best and you simply cannot talk back to them no matter what.” Thus, I was looking at my parents on this pedestal and developed weird feelings towards them for not reaching my expectations.

As I got older, became more aware of life, and binge watched Dear Zindagi many times on end, I realized that my parents are imperfect people too and I cannot just simply obey. Thus, we’d have arguments, we’d converse, we’d scold each other, but at least it became an equal relationship where I am no longer just blindly adhering to what they say because hey, parents can be wrong too.

This might be a tad controversial, but it’s important that I share it. I would also like to note that there are some people who don’t have great relationships or even a relationship at all with their parents/guardians. We need to create space for these people. It’s okay to not have that typical family household where you can turn to your parents because not all parents/guardians can meet their children’s emotional needs. Thus, let’s not create shame around the children who don’t have relationships with their parents because there’s often a reason for it that we, the people on the outside, cannot see. And please, don’t go up to them and say “You should just adjust. They’re your parents.” Just because they’re parents, doesn’t mean you have to be bound to them for life. Treat your parental relationships just like any other relationship in your life.

• Bal Ashram

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE BOYS AT THE BAL ASHRAM.

Once I retire, I just know that I am going to go live in a place like Bal Ashram and be surrounded by all these children. Manifesting it.

Here’s a snippet of a blog post I wrote on my Bal Ashram blog (which btw you should check out b/c omg I love that place) that encapsulates my feelings for the place.

Mehmaan

During one of our jokey, childish fights I turned to ‘V’ and said “Is this how you treat a ‘mehmaan’ [guest]?”

He replied, “People who visit once are mehmaans. Those who come back are our family members.” 

Highkey melted my heart when he said that. I yearn for the feeling of belongingness because it was never a stable feeling for me; it was something that I had to work for. Thus, once again, the Bal Ashram boys showed me that me being me is all they needed to accept me into their homes and into their lives. 

^^^A violent picture of me attempting to beat ‘V’ at arm wrestling. Plot twist: he won. 

• Arya Kode.

Arya Kode is the single most important human being in my life. Thus, when speaking about myself I must include this kid in that conversation as well as he has, to some extent, shaped me into the person I am today.

A non-exhaustive list of things that I love about my little bro:

1. He gives everyone a chance.
2. Despite growing up around toxic ideas surrounding body image and weight, he is so freaking in tune with his body. He looks at workouts as movements or cool challenges and food as freedom and love. Arya Kode has played such a large influence in me achieving some part of food freedom.
3. He talks mental health with me 🥺. Hell freaking yeah. As I learned about mental health/illnesses and found the vocabulary to describe my feelings, I, along with the help of coffee date #5, also taught Arya all that as well. Thus, now we are at a point, where he will tell me when he’s feeling anxious, or sad, or tired, or overly happy, or any emotion when he feels it because we’ve created that space for each other.
4. Arya’s brave. When I was his age, I just blindly followed my parents. You have to do Kumon – yup, I guess I’m in Kumon in now. Play Tennis Esha – sure, I’ll play tennis. Do Taekwondo Esha – I guess I’m kicking ass now. Arya, on the other hand, created his own path and chose his own passions. He tried the tennis and the taekwondo and the Kumon, but now he’s into Track and not partaking in extra ‘tuitions’ because that’s not what he wants. King.
5. He has learned to show affection and unlearned all the radical ideas of toxic masculinity and gender discrimination. I LOVE that he is so open to learning things! He cries during movies now; he’ll hug the living daylights out of me even when I specifically tell him that I hate physical touch; he’ll admit that he’s having a bad day; he’ll care for the little kids at a family party; he’ll bust out some sexy dance moves on the dance floor even if he’s the only man with me and my cousin. A star.

Love you infinitely little man <3.

• what’s next?

Tough question.

I’ve been wracking my brain over what I can do next. I finished going on fifty coffee dates and thoroughly had the time of my life sharing people’s stories, learning from them, cultivating new relationships, and rekindling old relationships.

Fifty Coffees also gave me an escape from my regular, chaotic world. When college used to get shit crazy, I’d go on that coffee date with that ER nurse or that supermodel. It gave me an avenue to remove myself from the stress of college and life. Now what?

Here’s what I’m thinking:

1. I can continue going on coffee dates – duh
2. But the next ‘main’ thing I want to do is create something that compiles all 50 stories together into one entity. I’ll tell ya’ll more about it when I’m ready to and have more details myself LOL

Until then, I wanna thank ya’ll for showering this project with so much love. I loved seeing your cute messages about how you related to that one person’s love life or that other person’s story of healing or that other date’s career trajectory.

Remember, every person has a story 🙂