Reflections

‘Not All Men Are the Same’: The Telugu Song That Created Controversy Over Its Lyrics

by Esha Kode

A couple weeks ago, my family and I went to the theatre to watch a Telugu film, called Pushpa. Before the movie released, the song ‘Oo Antava Oo Antava’ (linked above) was released.

First off, Actress Samantha looks absolutely breathtaking in the song as she slays the moves and adds the right amount of attitude to keep up with the lyrics.

A week after we watched the movie, one of my aunts told me that there has been a lot of controversy over this one song from the film. Supposedly, men were offended by the lyrics and a Men’s Association even “filed a lawsuit against the makers of Pushpa and also filed a complaint against them for portraying men in a certain light.”

Let’s Talk About the Lyrics

I’m going to breakdown some of the lyrics from this song on the left-hand side of a table, and I’ll breakdown another popular Telugu song (that wasn’t opposed against) on the right-hand side.

‘Oo Antava Oo Antava’ (received a ton of backlash from men for describing the ‘male gaze’)

Potti potti gowney vesthey Patti patti choostharu

When she wears short clothes, They’ll [men] drool all over them [women]

Mee kallallone anthaa undhi
Mee maga buddhe vankara buddhi

Your [men] eyes say it all. The male mentality is a twisted mentality

Thella thellagunte okadu
Thallaakindhulauthaadu
Nalla nallagunte okadu
Allarallari chesthaadu
Telupu nalupu kaadhu meeku
Rangutho pani yemundhi
Sandhu dorikindhante saalu
Mee maga buddhey vankara buddhi

When she’s fair-skinned, One man is mesmerized. When she’s dark-skinned, Another man goes crazy. It doesn’t matter if she’s fair or dark, They [men] just need a chance. The male mentality is a twisted mentality.

‘Ninne Ninne’ (received no backlash from men for sexualizing a woman)

Before breaking down some lyrics, let’s analyze the scene that comes before the song.

Notice at 1:26, when the girl asks “Do you love my heart or my body?” the guy immediately responds “the body because I don’t know your heart. You look gorgeous; a great smile, a fantastic skin tone. That’s all I need.”

The girl tries to make him understand that our bodies should not define us and we are so much more than that. To that, the man vulgarly asks (at 2:26) “Will you have sex with me tonight?” to taunt the girl’s previous statement. He then breaks out into a song that essentially stalks the girl and sexualizes her body.

Devudichina andalu ayyo papam paruvalu
Cheyyamake matti paalu chuttukuntay papalu
Nuvvu leka ne lene ninnu vidichi polene
Neellu leni bavilona duki nenu chasthane
Inave nuv inave ose inave ehe inave..
Ninne ninne.. Ninne ninne… Ninne ninne… Ninne…

God has given you so much beauty, and yet you’re still a virgin. Don’t waste that beauty; you’ll become a sinner. I’m nothing without you; I can’t leave you. I’ll jump in a well without water, Listen to me, hey! Listen to me!

Note: There is a clear portrayal of sexism in both songs. In ‘Oo Antava Oo Antava,’ there’s a classic depiction of “men leering at a woman as she sways, slides and drapes herself over the hero, while a camera constantly cuts to bared bits of her body.” In ‘Ninne Ninne’ the man is aggressively yelling and, at one point even, pretends to hit the woman (4:00). Oh and let’s not forget him blackmailing the girl that he’ll essentially kill himself (i.e. “I’ll jump in a well without water”).

‘Oo Antava Oo Antava’ targets men for treating women the way they do; whereas, ‘Ninne Ninne’ is targeting women for not succumbing to the man stalking, verbally abusing, and sexualizing her. Despite this irony, the former song is the one that received so much backlash. Do we see how this is a clear problem?

Many men were supposedly offended that they were depicted as such people, leading to many to use the impeccable phrase “Not all men are like that.”

  • “So #NotAllMen doesn’t clarify anything. It doesn’t add to the discussion or develop it in any way. All it does is derail and dismiss the lived experiences of women and girls. And what the men who leap to remind us that ‘’not all men are like that’’, are actually saying is, ‘’I’m not like that.’’ Or to put it another way, they are letting women know that discussing misogyny makes them uncomfortable, and they’d like to be absolved of any blame before they will let women continue.
  • If you are a man and don’t recognise yourself in the behaviour described by women recently, then great. Our discussion of it shouldn’t offend you, or put you on edge. The men who are behaving like allies in this are the ones that are amplifying women’s voices, examining their own behaviour, and not drowning out our conversations in search of praise or validation.” – Medium

A woman is allowed to wear whatever she wants, dance in whatever way she wants, and look the way she wants.

Many aunties and grandmas I know have said “I don’t like how vulgar Samantha looks in that song” or “Why is she wearing that, exposing all of her body like that?”

It’s 2022 people; get over it!

If it’s okay for you to watch men, like Salman Khan, dance shirtless, then it is equally okay for a woman, like Samantha, to wear what she’s wearing and absolutely slay on screen!

It’s not okay, however, that men are seldom sexualized or taunted for wearing or looking the way they do, whereas women are constantly sexualized for doing the same exact freaking thing.

Conclusion

The point of this long-winded post was:

  1. The male ego got super butt hurt after ‘Oo Antava Oo Antava’ was released because it explicitly called men out on their behaviors.
  2. Create songs that don’t sexualize women. People fantasize and imbibe what they see on screen, especially in India, since the celebrity craze is extra hyped. Therefore, it’s crucial to send the correct messages through these films.
  3. Samantha is a freaking queen and should not be criticized for wearing what she wore and looking the way she did in the song.

25 Coffee Recap!

by Esha Kode

WE FINISHED 25 COFFEE DATES IN 2021!

In a world where technology is so prevalent and social connection is no longer of utmost priority, I’m amazed that I was able to connect with 25 people to talk about our lives. 2021 was one of the most enriching and soulful years I’ve had yet solely because of this project.

Here are some of my thoughts so far:

  1. I’m actively trying to incorporate some of the lessons I’ve learned from these dates into my own life.
  2. I’ve become more spontaneous. This is in part due to coffee date #25.
  3. I learned that humans are truly three-dimensional beings. There are SO MANY authentic layers behind every single one of my coffee dates, and to think that I would not have figured that out if I hadn’t sat down with them for a date. 

Some lingering questions/future directions:

  1. Do I stop at 50 or do I keep going?
  2. Should I only do coffee dates with people I know?

Thank you for coming on this journey with me. We have one more year to go – 25 more dates to go – and I’m ecstatic to share everyone’s incredible personalities with you all!

Being “Man Enough”

by Esha Kode

It took me a couple years to dissect the phrase “be a man” because it was always subtly thrown around at my brother or to some other man in my life. Now that I have understood the true message behind this phrase, I realize that it is complete bullshit. Being and feeling “enough” should not be gendered. Everyone is entitled to having emotions AND displaying those emotions. A man should not be primed to believe that he does not have the right to show those emotions.

A big thing that I’ve tried to incorporate into my relationship with my younger brother (who is currently 13 years old!), along with the help of my amazing cousin, is demolishing the gender divide when it comes to being who we are as humans.

Arya, my brother, has big emotions. We’re similar in that way, however, I express my emotions slightly more than he does and that has to do with the way we were both raised. We were raised to suppress all emotions, except for happiness. Little did we know that we can not portray happiness without portraying all the other emotions. In the world that we’re living in, unlearning this phenomenon and learning how to feel everything is somewhat easier for women than it is for men. Therefore, I wanted to make sure that Arya was not going to enter adulthood feeling numb to all his emotions and succumbing to the ridiculous patriarchal rules attributed to “what it means to be a man.”

I felt like I had truly succeeded when one day I got a text from him saying that he just had a sob session after watching some Anime show. When I tell you I was jumping for joy, I was jumping for joy. This was a huge breakthrough because he had never expressed his feelings after watching something because again he was subtly trained to believe that “men don’t cry.” So for him to allow himself to unlearn and learn that it is completely valid, okay, and human for him to cry during an emotional time made me feel like I was on top of the freaking world.

Justin Baldoni’s podcast, The Man Enough Podcast, has been revolutionary for me and I’m in love with it. It’s making me cry, unlearn, relearn, and be compassionate. It’s making me feel and see things from a different light and I think we can also use this as we navigate through life and hopefully one day get rid of this gendered idea of our personalities.

Creative Living is Extraordinary

by Esha Kode

This was a refreshing and encouraging read. 

Quick Synopsis: Elizabeth Gilbert talks about the importance of creative living. The importance of chasing curiosity, not wallowing in failure, and recognizing that creative living is the only way to live. 

The most interesting part of this book was when Gilbert talked about her idea to write a book about the Amazon jungle. The idea just came to her and she was ecstatic and completely imbibed in the process of writing that book. However, unexpected events in her life came in the way and hindered the completion of that book. Years later, Gilbert meets one of her author friends, who shares a book idea that she got. The friend repeats the same plot and idea that Gilbert had had with her Amazon jungle story. HOW INSANE! 

We often think that ideas are our own. After reading this book, I realize that ideas do not belong to us – we do not create them. Ideas are alive entities and they find that one right person who will bring them to life. 

That’s exactly what happened with Gilbert. The idea of the Amazon jungle novel chose Gilbert initially, but when it realized that Gilbert would no longer be able to birth it to life, it chose a different human to do the job. What an incredible finding! 

I often get scared that someone will do something before me. I have ideas and projects in mind, so I worry that someone will beat me to it. I will proceed to internalize it if someone does beat me to it. 

Note to self after finishing this book: Someone has already done something that you wanted to do because there are only so many things to be done. But no one has done that something the way that you will or have done that something – and this, is the beauty of our human existence. 

It’s okay if the same idea that found us traveled away from us and found someone else to fulfill it. We need to realize that either we were not fully ready to do justice for that project or that we can still keep going with the idea and do it in our own way (that is, only if we are still extraordinarily passionate about it). 

All in all, this was an incredibly thought-provoking book that made me reframe the way I’ve thought about life. It’s also provided me with some answers on how to handle my envy of others. 

I would definitely recommend this for anyone who feels as though they are “stuck,” have no purpose, jealous, or just want to learn how to notice the signs that the Universe continues to bombard us with everyday.

Why the Physician Mental Health Questionnaire is Ineffective for Adolescents

by Esha Kode

Whether it be for a sick visit or an annual check-up, my doctor’s office always has me fill out a “Mental Health Questionnaire.” The questionnaire essentially consists of numerous statements with a scoring criteria. For example, one statement could be written as “feeling nervous, anxious, or on edge” and the right hand columns will have a 0 for “not at all,” 1 for “several days,” 2 for “more than half the days,” and 3 for “nearly every day.” As I circle a number for each statement, I arrive at the end where I am required to tally up the numbers and give myself a score. 

This questionnaire has been a recent requirement, which I appreciate as it shows that mental health is becoming more of a priority in medicine. However, there are a couple drawbacks to this that I feel defeats the whole purpose of having pediatric patients fill this out. 

For starters, minors are accompanied by their parents for these doctor visits. Therefore, parents are sitting next to them when children fill out these questionnaires. It can sometimes be uncomfortable and hard to honestly answer the questions because there’s a high probability that our parents are looking over our shoulders to see what we’re writing down. This automatically skews the answers and deems the questionnaire ineffective. 

The other major con of this questionnaire is that most doctors don’t even look at it or mention it during the visit. Out of all the years I’ve been required to fill this out, only one doctor took the time to send my mom out of the room and talk to me about my answers. The rest of the physicians didn’t even look at my responses.

What does this convey to pediatric patients? 

When the physicians didn’t even bother to take a few minutes to check in with how I was doing mentally, it conveyed to me that getting my ears, eyes, heart, and the rest of my body was more important to them than understanding the way I was feeling mentally. 

It also showed me that physicians may not be taught medicine from a holistic standpoint. Especially in the U.S, medicine is more about analyzing a patient’s somatic symptoms and arriving at a diagnosis for further treatment. Therefore, physicians are likely to overlook symptoms of depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, bipolar disorder, etc. because they are so focused on the issues of the physical body.  

The questionnaire was a great starting point to prioritize mental health in medicine. However, it is now time to step it up a notch. This could be done by requiring doctors to take time out of the visit to have conversations about mental health. This, not only will help children who recognize that they are mentally struggling, but will also raise awareness for the children who are not aware of mental health and mental illnesses. 

Less Anxious in Warmer Weather

by Esha Kode

This may sound trivial, but I’ve recently (meaning two days ago) realized how dependent my mood is on the weather. For the past couple of months, weather in NJ has been shitty to say the least. Spontaneous snow storms, cold nights, frosty mornings.

I remember when quarantine first started in March 2020, I was heavily dependent on my morning walks/jogs, afternoon bike rides, driveway workouts because these were the only ways for me to get out of my anxious head and focus on something else. I even slept with my windows open because feeling the energy of Nature made me feel less suffocated and more liberated. As November and December came rolling around, I was no longer able to continue those activities nor was I able to leave the windows open. That’s when, I realized, my anxiety started spiraling.

I am in awe with the fact that my anxiety is far better when I am in contact with Nature. This explains why the winter months are sometimes exhausting to get through because I have no damn escape route.

These last 2 days, Mother Nature turned around and the weather has been absolutely beautiful. I’ve gone on hour long walks and absorbed all the energy radiating not only from Nature itself (the sun, trees, wind), but also from the other families I see and their kids running around chaotically. It’s remarkable and makes me feel so wholesome. I feel so much more connected to myself and the rest of the world.

After spending simply an hour outside, I find myself more ready to attend classes and do the same amount of mentally draining work without feeling so deeply anxious all the time.

The 1 Book That Has Changed My Life

by Esha Kode

This. Is. My. Favorite. Book. Of. All. Time. 

I’ve never understood those people who claimed that reading books had changed their lives because I have always been a movie person. Movies for me were game changers because I was able to feel what the actors and actresses felt as I watched the story unfold for two hours. So, I never understood how reading words can truly change a person’s life in the same way that a film could. I’m glad that I finally understood that this is indeed possible – books can impact us in the most profound way and Untamed is one of those books. 

“I do not adjust myself to please the world. I am myself wherever I am, and I let the world adjust.”

Untamed, Glennon Doyle

I read this book for about 15 minutes every night. After a long day of classes, meetings, and work I would wind down and cozy up in my bed to read the raw and powerful writing of Glennon Doyle. I found that I was actually going to bed with a new sense of comfort and wholesomeness after reading a few pages at night. 

One of the most gripping things I learned from Untamed was the concept of discovering our Knowing and sitting with it until we declutter our minds. Doyle describes this in an impeccable way. Allowing ourselves to close our eyes and examine every thought that waves into our mind will give us a sense of clarity. Everyone has a Knowing, so it’s just a matter of unleashing it and honing in on it. 

Every time Doyle talked about how society “cages” us into the largely patriarchal system that we have enforced, I was in awe. How could I have been so oblivious? How did I not see that what my parents taught me were conditioning me to stay locked in a cage? It was mind-blowing. 

“Children are either taught by the adults in their lives to see cages and resist them, or they are trained by our culture to surrender to them. Girls born into a patriarchal society become either shrewd or sick. It’s one or the other.”

Untamed, Glennon Doyle

During my childhood I was always told to be or act a certain way so that society accepts me. I’m not blaming my parents because that’s also what they were taught, so they did not know any better. However, our generation has so many resources available to realize that society is a goddamn cage and our lives are way too colossal to fit into one. 

I remember a night where my relatives and I were sitting in our family room. The adults were talking about one of my cousins getting married and then the conversation diverted to one of the uncles asking the three of us young girls what type of person we wanted to marry. The other two girls replied with the cliché answer, “I don’t care who they are as long as they are kind and a good person.” I, on the other hand, not knowing that this was some sort of test replied, “I’d like someone who makes sure he smells good and has a job.” Everyone laughed. I was 10 years old. 

After everyone left, my mom came into my room and told me, “Esha, you can’t say stuff like that. When people ask you that question you should say that you care more about their personality.” 

“Amma, I obviously care about the person’s personality. I was just trying to joke around. But I would prefer it if they had good BO,” I replied. 

My mom sighed and said, “I know Esha, but not everyone is going to take it as a joke and they will think that you actually mean it which won’t look good for us.” 

Caged. My mom was raised to adhere to society and mold herself into what the world wanted from her. She was never taught to allow the world to mold itself around her. 

“What if parenting became less about telling our children who they should be and more about asking them again and again forever who they already are?”

Untamed, Glennon Doyle

I’ve been living with this restless feeling and an immense amount of energy that I can feel bubbling around me and encouraging me to go do something. I thought I was odd and abnormal because no one else seemed to feel so restless in their body and life all the time like I was, so I tried to push that feeling down as far as I could. It would come back every morning, and so everyday I would force it to go back down. After reading Untamed, I realized I’m not the only one with this nagging feeling that seeps beyond the boundaries of my body. It’s not something I should inhibit, but instead something I should release. It’s not something that I should allow to fit into a cage, but something I should unleash from that cage.